Saturday, February 23, 2013

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

I did it! I finally started my blog. I am so excited to have gotten this off the ground. I have said so many times I write what is on my heart and these days there is so much on my heavy heart. For anyone that is not familiar with my story I lost my 10 year old son, Noah Dean, in a tragic lake event on July 4, 2012. To say my world came to a crashing halt would be an understatement. I have very little recollection of that month and the months that followed. All I remember of that July 4th day is leaving my house to go to the gym and have lunch before joining friends for a July 4th celebration. But that celebration never happened and to be honest I can't ever imagine wanting to celebrate another July 4th again my entire life because I will always remember getting the phone call that forever changed my world. I still have nightmares of that day and it is always the same words over and over..."Jessica has anyone called you? There's been an accident...they've been doing CPR for 20 minutes....Morristown Hamblen....." I vividly recall arriving at the hospital emergency room doors and looking in the ambulance and wondering if Noah had been in there. I can see myself walking through those emergency room doors wondering if am the mother of two living children and still not knowing what was going on. My dream continues and I see a nurse get a doctor and they try to talk to me but I never will let them tell me what happened. I remember wanting and trying to get in touch with my parents and my best friend but I just couldn't muster up the energy or even the words.  And then I look around and there are so many people literally hovering around me and then the part where I see Haleigh Raye's dad carrying her in the waiting room and our eyes lock and I know I am about to have to tell her Noah is gone and not coming home. And then...usually I wake up.  It seems like a long sequence of events but it probably only lasts a few minutes, maybe even seconds and it is definitely enough. I try not to let myself wake up too much for fear of not going back to sleep and more memories returning. It is usually at this time I get my newest staple since losing Noah - a heating pad - it is warm and makes me feel not so alone and takes me back to my last night with Noah on July 2 and him crawling into bed with me. He was warm and I was not alone. 

After Noah's death people were telling me how therapeutic it would be for me to journal my thoughts and feelings. I looked at them, smiled politely but secretly thought, "My thoughts? I don't even know what my thoughts are. They are so scattered and don't make sense to me how could I ever get them down on paper." But then there's this social media we all know as Facebook and it became such a outlet for me and a connection to a community of people who I have no doubt carried me personally through my darkest hour and made my burden somewhat lighter by thinking of us, caring for us and most importantly by praying for us. I was amazed (and still am) at the outpouring of love and support shown.  As we were making arrangements for the funeral somehow I can recall thinking, "Noah was only 10. Did he know enough people to even come? Would he just be someone that passed through this earth that no one would know or remember?" Humbly, now, I smile at that because Noah has made more of an impact in his 10 years than many people do in a lifetime and I have made it my mission for people to not only know about Noah and his spunky personality but to know where Noah is now and how I have come to somewhat of an understanding and acceptance that Noah doesn't need me now. I need him more than he could ever need me. I can mourn, I can grieve and I can cry for him but I still have to live. I have to live for my daughter, I have to live for myself and most importantly I have to live for God. I have no idea why I'm on this journey and it goes without saying it is not one I voluntarily signed up for. But I am and I have a choice to either turn away and be bitter or accept and embrace this new normal. 

And the conscious decision I've made to accept and embrace is what has led me here. To write and to share. As I was trying to create a name for my blog nothing just jumped out at me until recently when I came across the quote I have above. I didn't remember until after my heart was set on it that Nicholas Sparks has a book about a main character losing his wife titled, "A Bend in the Road." While there may be some similarities and I do enjoy Nicholas Sparks books this title stemmed more from Lewis and his writing entitled, "A Grief Observed." I also looked up the definition of bend and found these two definitions:

bend - to bring something into a state of tension or to force to assume a different direction or shape


When I asked someone very close to me who has shared much of my journey up close and personal what they thought of this blog name their response was one of questioning whether bend was a strong enough word for what I had been through. I carefully thought about and finally came to the conclusion there are no words strong enough for what I've gone through and is another reason I write. I write to give words to the bends in the road we all face, the twists and turns of fate that can sometimes bring us to our knees or having us shouting with joy. I don't pretend to know what anyone is experiencing but bottom line is we all have a road we are on. There are bumps in the road, our feet get heavy and some of us may not even know where our road is leading. But for me I know that there aren't many things guaranteed and unchanging in this world but there is one thing that is guaranteed, hasn't changed and is at the end of the road I'm traveling and that is God. And there isn't a day goes by that I am thankful that at the end of Noah's journey...at the end of Noah's road was the God of yesterday, today and tomorrow. And that same road that has ended for Noah is the road I'm on...the road to Noah Dean...the road to God...despite the road I'm traveling my destination has not changed. It's only become more inviting, more clear, more real and it has become just what my blog says..."A Bend in the Road." 


17 comments:

  1. So proud of you for taking this step! I know that God will use your journey to help others, encourage others, and bless many. Thank you for sharing your heart and what God is doing in your life. You and Haleigh Raye are always in my thoughts and prayers. You are loved!
    Shirl

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  2. Touches my heart in many different ways...your family is in my prayers!!!

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  3. I don't know what to say Jessica. I can't imagine your pain. I feel foolish asking how you're doing when I see you. I feel like everyone asks you that and maybe it's a shallow question. I can guess how I would feel and I wouldn't probably want people asking me all the time.I know we don't really know each other, but I want you to know I care about you and I know all to well the feeling of loss. I've felt it my whole adult life it seems. I know its not the same, but, well, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. If you ever want someone to talk to I'm sure you have a host of friends to talk with. If ever the feeling should strike you that maybe you want to unload on a familiar stranger and make a new friend in the process, I'm around.
    Sean B.

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  4. Jessica, I want to personally thank you again for sharing your journey. Each time I read a post I am blessed and touched! I thought the same thing as your friend when I read your title. I thought Bend in the road? To me it would have been an end to my road. However, as I continued reading once again I felt God's sweet spirit through your words. So many times when anything happens in our lives that interupts our plans we just lose all composure. We question God, we get mad, we let our tongue run rapid (talking to everyone but God). And although I don't doubt you have done all of that too, you still know where your true strength, help, and peace is....GOD. I'm so thankful your road didn't change because Jesus is the only one who can give you the peace to get through each day and sometimes just the next minute. There are people here that do need you and that's why God has not taken you to Noah. He still has plans to use you here on Earth. I'm just glad I'm counted amoung one of the many that is blessed by you and Noah. I can tell you how bad I wish he was still here with you and that you and your family never had to experience this loss but reality is that won't change anything. So since I can't change it or make anything better I will just thank you, Noah, your family but most of all God for working through this terrible tragedy to bless me and so many others. I love you! Carol Kapnick

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  5. This is simply beautiful and inspiring. The strength that you show everyday is amazing. It would be so easy to turn inward and become bitter over the unfairness and senselessness of your loss. To see how you continue to lean on God and seek Him for your peace and strength is an inspiration. I don't think Haleigh Raye could have a better model for how to be a strong, loving Christian woman. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Much love, Jessica

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  6. I'm so glad you've answered this calling. You take us places no one would ever want to go but you show us and remind us what life is really about as you take us there. It's certainly an inspiration to understand and see the spiritual journey that you are on.

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  7. Absolutely amazing!! Thank You for sharing...

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  8. This is amazing and I know God is going to continue to use you as you bring Glory to HiS name through your pain. Love you and am thankful for your friendship.

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  9. Jessica - so proud of you! This is amazing. You did it: brought to fruition something you knew in you heart would help others, but had no energy to follow through with in those first few months. Love, love, love the video!

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  10. Jessica - What a great first post!! I am once again amazed at how you can share your feelings with us in such a heartfelt way. I admire not only that you share your heart, but that you always manage to give God the glory. As usual, it brought tears to my eyes :) But, the video at the end....it had me bawling. What a perfect video to represent Noah. And although it IS a long way home, it will be worth every minute when we get there and see HIM face to face. And I hope I am there to witness you holding Noah in your arms again. Love you!!

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  11. Jessica,
    You are just precious and I am in awe of your strength and courage to continue on this journey you have been directed to travel. If there a shred of doubt in anyone's mind whether or not God has got us, all they need to do is look at you and know that He has got you, He carried you through the sand when you saw only one set of footprints. He is an awesome God and I am so proud to be your sister in Christ. I think of you often and then think to myself "She is such a beautiful person, both inside and out, and such an inspiration to so many. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and I look forward to reading more. :-)
    ~Casey Johns (Robyn Robinson's niece)

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  12. Powerful, Encouraging, so glad you started this blog...

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  13. Your inspiration is amazing, thank you for opening your heart and pouring it out to share your pain! I hope this can somewhat heal you and that you continue to find the blessings that God gives you! I will continue to pray for you and your daughter! I love you and look forward to being inspired by your blog.
    Tanya Collins Beaty

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  14. Very inspirational. I can't wait to see what is around the bend in the road. Jo Ellen Ridgely

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