The smallest of things can bring on the hardest of emotions.

It all started with a new box of toothpaste, or at least, what I thought was a new box of toothpaste. Well, no, now that I think about it, this all started with me cleaning out my cabinets. Such a mundane but routine task I had neglected for quite a well because, honestly, I don’t have a lot of food anymore. I rarely shop like I used to and never ever do I buy in bulk as I so often did. Why should I when it is just Haleigh Raye and me and we are not huge consumers…of anything it seems..except maybe data on our phones. 

So when I recently cleaned out shelves around my house I realized the expiration dates.  January 2013. April 2013. December 2012. July 2012. Yes, some even went back to May 2012. It was at that moment I became conscious of the fact that I have to be the most sentimental person alive. Or at least that I have ever come into contact with and I cried at that. I cried and cried. Not because I felt like I was wasting perfectly good food when other people were in need of it, that was a small percentage of it too, but I knew that when I shopped for those items I had shopped with Noah in mind. And, sentimental me struck again, when I thought, he probably even ate out of some of this. Oh good grief. I had no reasoning. I wanted to save it all. Even the toothpaste, which I had found fallen behind other items, had expired in January 2012.

And then I think I started just a sad, downward spiral of my emotions and hit every single stage of grief in just a few days worth of time. Is this a normal part of grief? Or am I at the crazy stage? Or am I just clinging on to whatever memories, thoughts of Noah I can remember, or to a life that involved him in my everyday schedule.

Add to all these upheaval of emotions that I had to help Haleigh Raye , once again, deal with what she experienced on July 4th. One morning, there was a horrible wreck on the side of the road. With it being on our way to school we feared it might be someone we knew. As Haleigh Raye looked for familiar faces or cars she saw someone being worked on. Immediately she had tears in her eyes as she recalled seeing her own brother being worked on at the dock July 4^th. Her next words were, “I hate what that family is getting ready to go through” and I knew she meant it. She hated it and her heart went out to them and it affected her throughout the rest of her day. Then a few days later she was setting in a service and someone gave their own testimony about dates that had affected them. Unaware that Haleigh Raye was among the crowd, July 4^th was addressed and how the impact of that day left a rippling effect. It ended up being a very inspiring and encouraging talk but just not one Haleigh Raye could set through nor would I ever expect her to.

And there I was with all these feelings. Angry at what took Noah away and it never being addressed with me. Sad that Haleigh Raye had all those last visions of her brother. Depressed that he was never coming back to everything that he left behind, food, toothpaste, toys and all. 

So I did what I had wanted to for a long time. I wrote. I wrote and I wrote the longest sentences to what I feel was part of the reason Noah isn’t here anymore and then I condensed it. It felt like I threw it out to the wind and I have no idea if anyone caught it or not. I would like to think so but...I may never know.

Of course the week went on and onward we went. Haleigh Raye and me both bounced back to our normal (at least the new normal anyway) selves and routines carried on because life, as we have all learned, does go on. Luckily we both try to stay pretty busy with our lives so that we don’t allow ourselves to get stuck in one phase of grief or the other. The friends that have surrounded us are nothing short of uplifting and confidence builders. The family we have is unwavering and always there. And then there is our faith. Our faith has been shaken to its very core and we have questioned so many things we never even gave a second thought to because it wasn’t put to the test in such a deep, challenging way...until now. 

A few weeks ago Haleigh Raye sang with the youth choir and, of course, I watched all the youth but especially her as she sang with joy and happiness and I knew she truly believed what she was singing. I see her live it out every single day. The words to the song have came back to me over and over and over and over these past few weeks as we have faced these scenarios. What meaning these words have now. 

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

We have a choice how we respond. Among a variety of responses, we can respond in denial (which I’ve been known to do), we can respond in sadness (which I’ve definitely done) and/or we can respond in anger (got the t-shirt on that one.) 

But it is when we get stuck in those negative stages is what sets us back. And so just like the song says, "my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be YOUR name. That is a choice we make. That is a choice we have. That is the free will we are given. 

FBC Youth - "Blessed Be Your Name"

(Click on link to be taken to video.)

Fingerprints that wash away but thankfully the memories never do.

"Tiny hands, tiny fingers, that always want to play,

That never stop exploring that wonder of today,
Tiny hands, tiny fingers, that from the very start,

Will reach out for tomorrow yet always hold your heart."

This past Saturday I was working around my house cleaning here and cleaning there. After a morning of work I lastly came to my front storm door that is all glass. I remember this door being one of the first things I installed when we moved into our house because the other one was old and you couldn't see out it very well. I wasn't thinking about all the tiny handprints that would be all over my door for years to come and me, being the OCD person I am, feeling the need to constantly clean it almost everyday. My kids LOVED this door and the view it provided them. They would set and watch the weather, other kids play, the mailmen come and go and, one of their favorites, the city dump truck as it would cruise through the neighborhood. 

As I was cleaning away, on a door that didn't need as much attention as it did a few years ago, I was reminded of those long days of cleaning that glass along with a million other things I had to get done with two preschoolers who were 18 months apart. I felt like the days would never end and it was just minutes between waking up in the morning to lying down at night. The day flew by that fast and they, along with the demands of life, took all the energy I had. 

Honestly I don't know how I did it and I don't know if I could do it at the age I am now. I remember all those seasoned mothers who told me, "this is just a season" and "this time too shall pass." Easy for them to say. They looked put together, even had their hair brushed and were on time for events. They were actually setting down and enjoying their meals. I, on the other hand, felt like I had been in a mud wrestling competition with two untamed horses. They could be the sweetest things but, at times, I looked at the two of them and seriously questioned their maternity. How could I have produced such creatures that did such things and caused me to act in a way I never would have?  Sometimes the only reassurance of control I had was to remind myself I had a measured out portion of Benadryl for each child ready to be inserted into their mouths within a moment's notice. 

I've always felt called to being in the ministry and I truly enjoy it. It has been a privilege for my kids to get to be loved on by so many of our church members and they have always been there to give me encouraging and loving advice, but there was sometimes, I am sure even they questioned my mothering skills during those preschool years. I can recall, one evening, a church member coming up to me during our Wednesday evening meal and telling me "how well behaved your children are." I was glowing with pride and almost missed the last of the sentence when this was added, "compared to last year. They are actually setting down and not throwing their food at people." The pride quickly dissolved and I thanked her for, what I think, was meant as a compliment.

Oh, the memories. Oh, the joyous times. Oh, the rushing around, the seemingly never ending household duties to take care of.

Washed away...just like those handprints.

Life, for me now, is so different. My laundry is caught up. My to do list is shorter...and gets checked off each day. My house stays clean and my schedule is manageable. There is extra time for one more cup of coffee in the mornings. I can actually set down and watch a tv show from start to finish. I no longer have to hide my desserts for fear of little mouths wanting it. I used to request, "could someone please just give me 5 minutes of peace and quiet?" 

Sure life is busy with a teenage girl but those 5 minutes of peace and quiet are far too easy to come by now. Those handprints are gone and the glass is all clean, but the memories they left behind will most certainly last and carry me through a lifetime.

So mommas and daddies with little ones remember wise words I was once told. "This is just a season" and "this time too shall pass" cause it surely is and it surely will. 

But always, ALWAYS keep the Benadryl, or something of like nature, close at hand. 

And onward we go....

And a year has come....and a year has gone and onward we go.

Many, MANY times I get responses from people saying, "I just don't know what to say to you" or "words don't seem adequate." And now...that is the feeling I am left with when reflecting on friends (even those I have never met) and family who remembered us yesterday and the entire past year. Whatever way it was, it was yours and it is deeply and humbly appreciated and accepted. I tried to respond to each and every one and as the day wore on and as emotions became more uncontrollable within me, I couldn't seem to muster the energy up but please know that I read every single one of them and they carried us through our day.

I have to say a HUGE thank you to my friends who didn't even think twice about picking up and traveling with me anywhere I chose and doing whatever I felt like I needed to do and even getting me a birthday cake. (But luckily they knew me well enough that I DID NOT want a "Happy Birthday" song) so we just set around like good friends do and shared chocolate cake. Well, those that like chocolate did.

Our whirlwind adventure these past two days concluded last night with family and friends gathering at my parents' house and, at the end of the day, I felt so blessed.

To someone who has became one of my closest friends this past year, Angela, whose story can be found here, "We made it!!!" and I am so proud of you and so thankful you had the courage to knock on my door one night and I'm even more glad you stayed around even when I shut the door on you while I was trying to figure out exactly who you were.

Tomorrow is July 6 and will be my second birthday without Noah. I now know what his absence in my life feels like. I have an idea of the feelings I will experience throughout my lifetime now.

So, I'm almost at a point wondering what is next. What do I blog about now? I'm a worrier and someone who pre-dreads everything. Now that all the first anniversaries are over with, what will I worry about? What will I dread next? Am I going to let the worry and fear overcome me and not try to live my life and overlook the good that is before me.


Once, when I was so convinced that I might lose Haleigh Raye I couldn't even concentrate or enjoy the setting I was in, I was asked this, "Did you ever worry about something happening to Noah and Haleigh Raye before July 4, 2012?" My response was, "why, yes, of course I did." I was then asked, "and how did all that worrying help you cope with the loss of Noah. Did it make it any easier? Did it do anything for you other than taking away the precious time you were spending in worry?" Of course, the answer was no. There was not much of anything that helped with the loss of Noah except just learning to live through it and I don't think the dreading or worrying about the next tragedy in my life will help me deal with it any better. So why let myself get to that point. I totally understand that is something that can be easier said than done but, with faith, mental discipline and support, I believe it can be done and I am proof of it.

So...onward we go. I have found my passions in life and I'm ready to immerse myself in those.

• I want to share my faith with people, however God uses me to do that, I am willing and I am ready. 

• I want to share Noah's testimony and keep his memory alive as best I can while at the same time not living in the past.  

• I want to watch Haleigh Raye grow up and guide her to the best of my abilities and make her feel so loved and show her she is #1. Because, to me, she is. 

• I want to be an encourager to friends, acquaintances and strangers. I want to be the best friend to those who surrounded me this past year. I want to look people in the eye, listen to their story, reflecting on how far a kind word can carry someone and remember most of us are one of three different type of people. There are those who coming right out of a storm, those who are in the middle of a storm or those about to go through a storm. 

• And, finally, my pursuit to make changes and educate others. I won't ever forget what took Noah away from us and it didn't have to be this way. Something has to happen. My goal is to make sure it does. 

I understand, with the help of others, "We made it this far. And I won't let all this pain we suffered through for be in vain and with all I have in me I will make sure Noah Dean lives on in different ways."

The ending of one of my favorite poems I remember memorizing in middle school sums my goals up.  "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep."

So onward we go. 

What I will remember on this Mother's Day and probably every other day

It's May. It's been 10 months...and...it's almost Mother's Day. Handprints on handmade cards, breakfast in bed and a day off from household chores are just a few of the sweet touches moms might get on this day and rightly so. Mothers may reflect back on their journey of motherhood and what it has all meant to them. And like all good things the day will come...and the day will go and the daily routine of busyness will set in. But...what if the day comes and goes and the daily routine does not return and one is left trying to remember what the daily routine is and worse than that trying to recall what the daily routine even consisted of. 

Even though it's been 10 months I still find myself absentmindedly looking for him. Just a few weeks ago I was picking up Haleigh Raye at school and turned to call for him when I saw a brown haired tanned boy walking out the door with his head down. I even had the "Hey No..." out of my mouth...and then the little boy raised his head. And it hit me as it does every time. Noah is gone. Noah is ok, as I reassure myself constantly,...but I remember Noah is gone. 

For those of you who have kids remember how you kept your children's first pairs of shoes so you can look back and remember how cute and small their little feet were? Well, I still keep his flips flops laying at the front door. At times I will find myself slipping them on to go out to the mailbox. 

They just look good there. They look normal there. I'm not ready to move them and I don't know when or if I ever will be. How ironic the thing (ok, he was all boy, one of the MANY things) I always had to nag him about was picking up his shoes and getting them to his room. And now I am the one who always leaves his shoes out. I will remember him slipping on these shoes and running out the door. I will remember what size his ever so cute little feet were his last days. 

I still keep all the things he used in the mornings to get ready by my bed. I like to look up at them knowing he touched them. 

I laugh now because sometimes he would over indulge in these to the point the smell would make me sick. Now, I'm glad that smell was so strong. I   will remember all those mornings watching him getting ready and the smell that would linger in the car even when he got out. 

I find such peace reading back through the devotion book we were working through that Haleigh Raye was always so intent on us doing together at night. 

I will remember our bedtime routines and things we talked about last. 

And my favorite. This video. I love to watch this video over and over and over and over. It's the best and most lasting Mother's Day present that could have been bestowed upon me and it truly is priceless. I will remember the times we had, the love we shared and most of all I will remember the promise of us being together again one day. 

I love you both too! I love you to heaven and back and I know exactly what that means now. I can't wait to see you all hold hands together again. I can't wait till you both are dancing and singing all our silly songs and then...then no more remembering. It will just be a time of living in the present. 

(This video was made sometime in June probably just 3 weeks before Noah died. They were about to leave for a spur of the moment trip and I was a nervous wreck and I kept having a nagging sensation something was going to happen.But then again, I always worried about something happening to them.  It occurred to me to get their voices and motions on video singing our favorite song. I loved making up silly songs with them. Some stuck some didn't. This one did and we sang it at least once a day the past couple of years. It was a made up cheesy song...but it was our song and we LOVED it.  If you don't video your kids, I urge you to do it now...and do it often.)

To all moms out there, 

"Happy Happy Mother's Day!"

10 Seconds of Joy

 

This has to be one of mine and Haleigh Raye's favorite memories and I would venture to say it would be one of Noah's as well (It is on my list of "100 things to ask Noah when I get to heaven."). Everyday when I picked them up at school they would fight (yes, literally fight) over who would be the first one to open and get to stand up through the sunroof (it's a small sunroof so not only having to be last at being up, the last one usually wasn't as comfortable as the one who got up there first.) I remember some days Noah would race out the school door just to beat his sister so he could hit that button and already be standing up by the time she was walking out. It got so bad I had to eventually make a note in my phone's calendar of who went first on what day!  We also had battles over who got to choose the song on the radio, who set in the front seat and who got out of the car first. Any of those sound familiar to you parents? For 10 years that was my life. Especially with Noah. He had to be the first and best at everything and if you knew him for longer than 5 minutes you figured this out VERY quickly. He never stood still. He ran everywhere and he never ever ever wanted to be left out or left behind...of ANYTHING. He did, however, always make sure his sister was never left out as well...he just always had to be a step ahead of her. 

Once we had the matter of who was standing up first settled, I would tell them to pretend they were in a parade and do a fancy wave at all the other cars in line heading toward us. There were days I thought it was so much hassle to do this and keep up with whose turn it was that on some occasions I wanted to scream "NO! We are not doing this and you all only get to do it for 10 seconds if that." But I resisted that feeling and they loved it even if was only for 10 seconds. The sun was on their face and the wind was blowing in their hair. I even think the people we passed enjoyed it as well because they always had a smile and a wave to give back to them. 

By accident I had my sunroof open today. Haleigh Raye noticed it and immediately jumped up and said, "Mommy this was one of my favorite things to do with Noah. Oh, I am going to miss him so much" but without skipping a beat she climbed right up, smiled and did the fancy wave (I was the late parent today and everyone else had gone home so there was no one to wave at her but she did it nonetheless.) I was so surprised I had forgotten they did this and I was even more surprised I never got a picture of them doing it because I tried to capture every moment and it was what we did everyday weather permitting and I assumed it would never end. I assumed wrong. 

You probably know the rest of the story and it did end. That chapter has closed in my life and it hurts. It hurts every day and sometimes can hurt every second of every day especially when a new memory comes back or we relive an old past time.  I am so very grateful for the 10 years I got with Noah. Those are the years I can honestly say I don't know where they went. It's the 10 second memories like hanging out the sunroof that I hold on to and relive and I miss...terribly. 

But it is also the 10 second memories here and 10 second memories there that can be so bittersweet but, yet at the same time, still remind that it doesn't have to end with Haleigh Raye. At least weekly I am in awe of something she has overcame or an obstacle she has faced head on. She amazes me. She strengthens me and most importantly she encourages me to go on without even saying a word. Just her presence is enough for me to realize she is alive and she is living. She has to see she that as much as I miss and mourn the loss of Noah I want to engulf and enjoy the life of Haleigh Raye and take in as many 10 seconds of joy we can find together until those seconds of joy turn into an eternity of life that include all three of us again with the bright sun shining, once again, in our face.