"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matt 17-20. Faith as a mustard seed?!? Faith….as a mustard seed."

This is a verse I have heard my entire life. Read my entire life. But…I don't think I have ever really applied that verse to my life as I have now. I mean sometimes I am one to take things very literal, black and white and moving a mountain does not seem to be something I could do no matter how big my faith grew to be. But…there was the problem. I was focusing on having a perfect faith to save me and not focusing on the perfect object of my faith. Sometimes we find ourselves so caught up with the bible studies, the fellowships, the busyness of a "perfect" lifestyle we lose sight of where our eyes should be focused and that is straight ahead centered on that perfect object which is God. It does not mean those things are not good and beneficial to us and our families. They are! They can be! We are encouraged to worship and fellowship with other believers and stay in the Word. I love each and everyone of those and have participated in over a dozen myself but if we are not reminding our flesh of that perfect object that should be the center of our heart's desire than we are doing all those in vain and we are exhausting ourselves in the process. 

Losing Noah Dean was by far the most challenging life experience I have ever, ever ever come upon to say the least (and that even feels like a gross understatement) and some days it can be a daily, hourly, even minute by minute challenge to try and overcome. I think nothing, unless I lose Haleigh Raye, will ever, ever, ever come close to it. And losing her is a daily fear I have. I think, at least twice a day, I pray to God (and been known to beg) "please don't take Haleigh Raye away from me and don't take me away from her and let us live our lives out together." 

As much as I have a yearning and constant ache to be with Noah, I have learned to grow numb to that and remind myself that "Noah is ok" and "Noah doesn't need me." I need him more than he needs me and that truth still hurts. There will be moments that I find myself caught up in a feeling of "I am going on without him, I must not love him if I am smiling or laughing, is he upset that he is not a part of this life, my life, our life anymore." Rational thoughts? No. Normal thoughts? I sure hope so and…I feel they are because they do not last long anymore and I do not allow them to take over my thinking process. It takes such a self discipline to turn those and other thoughts around and focus on the One…the only One would could take better care of Noah than me…the only One who knows me, knows my heart, knows my intentions, knows what I am capable of and knows my mustard seed like faith. And He knows you too. Only He can grow and cultivate that small faith that can move a mountain. 

My mountain is learning to live, for now, without Noah. My mountain is learning to live for a little girl who did not die and needs to see her momma live, not just exist, but to live, laugh and love. My mountain is covered in grief and sin and is as black as black can be. I suspect I will be climbing that mountain everyday for the rest of my life. But while I am walking, while I am panting, while I am trudging ahead, I will keep my focus not on the mountain I am climbing or the steps I am taking and will not let myself bask in the strides I am making but will keep looking straight ahead. 

Many times I have said I am on the "Road to Noah Dean." Well, I am, but he will just be a pit stop for me because at the end of that road, at the top of that washed white as snow mountain is where I will see everything with perfect clarity as 1 Cor 13:12 promises me and I will see face to face the One. The One who took my mustard seed like faith and moved my mountain and He can move your mountain too.