Laundy! Laundry! Oh, the laundry.

"I feel like I never get caught up on laundry.  The basket of dirty clothes seem endless!"

All too well I remember these daily feelings from years past and I'm sure they are said a million times a day by busy parents and caregivers not only trying to stay ahead but sometimes just trying to catch up!

Perhaps before one goes too far with their complaints let me tell you about some laundry I have put off...for 2 and a half years now.

There was always the question of what to do with Noah's material things that, just like they say, he couldn't take to heaven with him.  Some have been brought back to our house. Some have been given to a few close and special friends. Some have been donated. And some remained in boxes.

Until now.

Last year it felt like the time to start on a blanket of his t-shirts, a gesture that had been offered to me a few months after Noah died.  It always stayed in the back of my mind but it seemed so daunting to actually go through clothes that would bring back so many memories of a boy who wasn't here anymore. Not only did I not want to see them I couldn't imagine actually having to pick favorites. They were all now my favorites. Everything of his has become my favorite.

Then there was the task of washing them. A task I took for granted with him for 10 years. The simple act of washing, folding and hanging his clothes. But this time...they wouldn't need putting away in anticipation for him.

I actually made the decision last year to go through his clothes but it took the boxes 4 months to move from storage to my car to my garage to my living room. Emotionally I would say this has been one of the hardest parts of his death for me to face.

There is such a finality in washing his clothes for the very last time despite being able to briefly enjoy seeing his things hung up with ours once again.

Friends, don't take the little things you "have to do" get to do for those you love for granted.  That task may not be available for you to do tomorrow.

The only way I could stay focused on getting through Noah's last loads of laundry was to pray my way through it (and have Friends playing on Netflix in the background.) What peace that brought me. If you find yourself dreading a task such as laundry try praying through it. Pray for yourself. Pray for who you are bestowing your gift upon. Pray that your eyes will be open to others that you can help.

And, most importantly, thank the One who (like a dirty load of laundry) can pick us up, sort us out and wash us clean.

And we continue on...

It's been almost 2 years since I received the phone call that changed my life, my faith and my focus. 

The days and months that followed were a blur and there were so many times I wanted to give up and give in. But there was something in me that just wasn't quite ready to do that as tempting as it sounded. 

So I decided, despite the circumstances, to continue on.

Maybe it was a desire to preserve even in the face of adversity.

Maybe it was the stubbornness in me to show those that doubted me, as a person and as a mother.

Maybe it was a legal battle I was in the middle of that I was willing to see to the end. 

Quite possibly it was the determination to do something more with Noah and his legacy so that he would not be forgotten and be more than "that boy that was electrocuted on a holiday at the lake."

Perhaps, most importantly, it was my daughter who didn't die and would look at me with questionable eyes wondering if she would lose me next. 

Most assuredly it was a combination of all those. I would love to say my journey was full of faith from day one. But...I can't...because it wasn't.

Oh, there was faith and there was trust but there wasn't the complete willingness to hand over my life to God completely and, without that, there was little God could do with someone like me. 

My faith is still, very much, a work in progress. I'm learning more and more every day and I am AMAZED at the doors God has opened for us. During this time we have had burdens on our hearts that we just couldn't ignore and wouldn't go away. From passing a VERY COMPLICATED PIECE OF LEGISLATION to working with local non profit organization to do a fundraiser and at the same time do a memorial video to Noah and Nate before Sidewalk Prophets took the stage and even bringing them to Cornerstone Academy to meet Noah's and Nate's class who helped with the garden and bench in their memory. 

We've been able to educate boating officers, marinas and I've even went back to do a few things I did pre July 4th, 2012 and...it felt good. Hard, at first, but good. 

When I say AMAZED I mean AMAZED, IN AWE and sometimes I stand with my mouth wide open at what has been accomplished. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we were just a vessel for Him and had I not handed over that control I can't help but wonder where I would be. 

I've got some mighty prayers warriors that I rely on especially when there is something very specific I am praying for. One of them sent me this verse last year and declared it for me on my behalf. 

I laughed at first thinking how in the world can I be used. I'm broken, I'm a sinner and I've fallen such short of the grace that has been doled out to me. 

But if I thought I was anymore than I'd be cutting God short on what He does best. 

Making something out of nothing for His glory. 

There are so many things I don't understand about my life and why I am where I am. But there is now a peace and that is what I rest in. 

This weekend I start a new chapter in my life. I am so excited (a little nervous) but more than anything I am so anxious to see what God is going to do next because I know I will do all I can to pray myself through to stay in the center of His will and, in the end, Noah's there waiting. Just like his headstone says "our puzzled hearts will soon be replaced when we see your big brown eyes and smiling face." I can see and hear him now, "Moooommm! This place is so cool! There is so much to show you!" And all those questions, all those "why's", all those "what if's" won't even matter. There will be a new life to live and "the old world, with all its tumults and troubles, will have passed away."

But for now...we must continue on. 

Hold on...Sunday is Coming

Today was the first day I have had in a long with not a list of items that needed to be taken care of immediately. What a week we have had. Our bill, the Noah Dean and Nate Act (which I will blog about soon so everyone understands exactly what the bill says) was just passed unanimously in both the TN House and the Senate. Then we were off to speak at a boating conference in Nashville, TN about Electric Shock Drowning, which is what took my son's life. 

For so many months after Noah died I was scared to learn what happened to Noah. The words electricity and electrocution kept coming up and I had these horrible, horrible visions in my head and all I wanted to do was push them as far away as I possibly could. I was in that childlike state of mind that "if I don't think about it, it didn't happen." 

Well, of course, like most things in life we usually try to run from, what really happened that day caught up to me. Reality without Noah was setting in and I began to read more news reports and hear more information about that day. About that same time TWRA had closed their investigation of our case and they met with me over their findings. Then I met my friend, Angela, who also lost two children in the lake on July 4th in Missouri. I believe all those happened in a sequence of events that showed me God was at work. I can't imagine them happening any sooner or any later. If they had, I don't think we would be where we are today. 

And today, well today feels good, not great and not just ok, but good. That feeling helps me reflect on what I've learned these past 21 months without Noah. And I hope with all I have in me these feelings are ones I never, ever forget because these 3 things, along with many others, have helped to sustain me:

Trust. Trust can be questionable. Trust can be broken. But trust can be regained. 

Hope. Hope can seem unreachable. Hope can seem lost. But hope can be realized...again. 

Faith. Faith can be wavered. Faith can be shattered. But faith can return. 

And...I don't just mean these in God, even though, all three of these have been very challenged with God for me, I mean these to apply to ourselves, to each other, to life. If a circumstance causes us to lose one of these it's ok I've realized. We just can't lose it forever in everything. We can lose trust in someone that has hurt us but we can't lost trust in all people. We may feel hopeless in a certain situation but we can't feel hopeless in all situations. And faith. Our faith may be challenged like we never dreamed possible like mine was on July 4, 2012 and the months that followed and sometimes this is the hardest of all for me but faith can return and be more to us than it ever was before. I know mine is. 

I still cry. I still have nightmares. I still have those mornings when I wake up where, for a few seconds, I forget he's gone. I still lay in bed some days and just grieve over what is and what should be with Noah. And those are the times I am humbled and I am broken and I remember the One who also can understand and relate to my suffering, my agony and my pain because He felt it too only His was given willingly.

"No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father." 

John 10:18 

As this Easter comes and goes may we remember what was done for us voluntarily so that we may have a day where there is no more suffering, no more agony and no more pain. 

It may be Friday and it may look like death prevailed but hold on...

And...onward we go.

The smallest of things can bring on the hardest of emotions.

It all started with a new box of toothpaste, or at least, what I thought was a new box of toothpaste. Well, no, now that I think about it, this all started with me cleaning out my cabinets. Such a mundane but routine task I had neglected for quite a well because, honestly, I don’t have a lot of food anymore. I rarely shop like I used to and never ever do I buy in bulk as I so often did. Why should I when it is just Haleigh Raye and me and we are not huge consumers…of anything it seems..except maybe data on our phones. 

So when I recently cleaned out shelves around my house I realized the expiration dates.  January 2013. April 2013. December 2012. July 2012. Yes, some even went back to May 2012. It was at that moment I became conscious of the fact that I have to be the most sentimental person alive. Or at least that I have ever come into contact with and I cried at that. I cried and cried. Not because I felt like I was wasting perfectly good food when other people were in need of it, that was a small percentage of it too, but I knew that when I shopped for those items I had shopped with Noah in mind. And, sentimental me struck again, when I thought, he probably even ate out of some of this. Oh good grief. I had no reasoning. I wanted to save it all. Even the toothpaste, which I had found fallen behind other items, had expired in January 2012.

And then I think I started just a sad, downward spiral of my emotions and hit every single stage of grief in just a few days worth of time. Is this a normal part of grief? Or am I at the crazy stage? Or am I just clinging on to whatever memories, thoughts of Noah I can remember, or to a life that involved him in my everyday schedule.

Add to all these upheaval of emotions that I had to help Haleigh Raye , once again, deal with what she experienced on July 4th. One morning, there was a horrible wreck on the side of the road. With it being on our way to school we feared it might be someone we knew. As Haleigh Raye looked for familiar faces or cars she saw someone being worked on. Immediately she had tears in her eyes as she recalled seeing her own brother being worked on at the dock July 4^th. Her next words were, “I hate what that family is getting ready to go through” and I knew she meant it. She hated it and her heart went out to them and it affected her throughout the rest of her day. Then a few days later she was setting in a service and someone gave their own testimony about dates that had affected them. Unaware that Haleigh Raye was among the crowd, July 4^th was addressed and how the impact of that day left a rippling effect. It ended up being a very inspiring and encouraging talk but just not one Haleigh Raye could set through nor would I ever expect her to.

And there I was with all these feelings. Angry at what took Noah away and it never being addressed with me. Sad that Haleigh Raye had all those last visions of her brother. Depressed that he was never coming back to everything that he left behind, food, toothpaste, toys and all. 

So I did what I had wanted to for a long time. I wrote. I wrote and I wrote the longest sentences to what I feel was part of the reason Noah isn’t here anymore and then I condensed it. It felt like I threw it out to the wind and I have no idea if anyone caught it or not. I would like to think so but...I may never know.

Of course the week went on and onward we went. Haleigh Raye and me both bounced back to our normal (at least the new normal anyway) selves and routines carried on because life, as we have all learned, does go on. Luckily we both try to stay pretty busy with our lives so that we don’t allow ourselves to get stuck in one phase of grief or the other. The friends that have surrounded us are nothing short of uplifting and confidence builders. The family we have is unwavering and always there. And then there is our faith. Our faith has been shaken to its very core and we have questioned so many things we never even gave a second thought to because it wasn’t put to the test in such a deep, challenging way...until now. 

A few weeks ago Haleigh Raye sang with the youth choir and, of course, I watched all the youth but especially her as she sang with joy and happiness and I knew she truly believed what she was singing. I see her live it out every single day. The words to the song have came back to me over and over and over and over these past few weeks as we have faced these scenarios. What meaning these words have now. 

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

We have a choice how we respond. Among a variety of responses, we can respond in denial (which I’ve been known to do), we can respond in sadness (which I’ve definitely done) and/or we can respond in anger (got the t-shirt on that one.) 

But it is when we get stuck in those negative stages is what sets us back. And so just like the song says, "my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be YOUR name. That is a choice we make. That is a choice we have. That is the free will we are given. 

FBC Youth - "Blessed Be Your Name"

(Click on link to be taken to video.)

My One Sided Conversation with Noah

Recently I found myself cleaning out Haleigh Raye's clothes in her room. I got so caught up in trying to get finished it was not till I was almost done that I realized I was sitting in the very same spot I had saw Noah, over 1,000 times in this course of his short lifetime, playing with his toys. They were plentiful and lined them all up against the four walls.

And that realization hit me like a ton of legos.

I was setting right where he had set one of the last times I saw him.

Last times I saw him. Those words hurt. Those words ache. Those words shouldn't be said.

So many times I flippantly walked by him as he sat there. I can remember him glancing up at me or him being so into his toys he didn't realize I was mulling around his room. I think about how many times I looked at his room and thought, "oh, how I wish he would get this stuff up."

What is it they say? Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.

What an understatement for my life.

Right after July 4 there was the question of what to do with Noah's room. Keep it the same, let me come home and go through it when I was ready (I stayed at my parents' house for about 2 weeks and was ready to take up residence there but I was asked, no, I was told I was going back home and that Haleigh Raye needed to get back to a routine which we did...very, very reluctantly.) Haleigh Raye had a decision in how to proceed and it was decided his room would be carefully packed up (after several, SEVERAL pictures were taken) and put in storage until I was ready to go through it. Then came the decision of what does his room turn into. A setting room? A study? An empty room to represent the emptiness we felt with him not being here anymore.

July 4 at 11:00 A.M. I walked out of my house with his room like this...

And just a few weeks later walked into this....

The final result was a second more grown up bedroom for Haleigh Raye.


The room is beautiful and fits her perfectly. I am beyond grateful for the 50 or so people who worked tirelessly for 3 days straight flipping, not only Noah's room, but my entire house. Haleigh Raye had a lot of input in the colors and setup of her room. I was incapable of making these decisions and honestly didn't care but I never ever have once regretted what was done. It was the best decision made regarding his room and my house and the people who made this decision were the ones, without a doubt, who knew me best. Just a week after July 4th all the old went out of his room and all the new went in her room...except for his television. His loved, flat screen t.v. was the only thing that remained in there of his. (We eventually moved a few things back...little by little.)

It has a special sound it makes when it is turned on and off and sometimes when I am asleep in my room and she has turned her t.v. on (or off) that sound wakes me up and I think "he's turned his t.v. on to watch his favorite show" or "he's turned his t.v. off and any minute now he will be walking in here asking to go outside."

But...of course...then I really wake up and I remember.

This particular day of cleaning out, I had spent a little more time than normal working around her room. I never hang out in there for long either. I avoid it when I can and Haleigh Raye really doesn't spend a great deal of time in her room. She's usually out and about throughout the entire house.

As I neared completion I sat back for a moment looking around the room. There are these long marks on the floor that had been there for as long as I could remember and they took me back to him setting there. Building a castle with legos or cleaning up after a massive carwreck involving his matchbox cars.

And that's when I had this overwhelming feeling.

To talk to Noah.

It was something I couldn't shake and was I felt compelled to share with him just like he was there before but this time with so much emotion that it took so much mental energy from me I was exhausted later.

I journaled my thoughts later and my one sided conversation with Noah went something like this:

We miss you. We miss you so. We talk about you often. I try to remind people about you not because I am stuck in the grief process of denial but because I don't want them to forget you. I wake up thinking about you, wondering about you, wanting to go and wake you up. I go throughout my day reminiscing about days gone by. Memories that have passed us. I think about what was, what could have been and what should have been...what should be. If you see me smiling and laughing please don't think you have been left out or forgotten. You are always there and I wear your picture around my neck every single hour I am awake. Know that I understand if I am going to make it in this world and be a productive member of society I can't keep looking back and think about the supposed to's. I have to focus on the what is. 

I keep up with your friends both at school and at church. I try to find out what 11 year old boys are into because now you would be 11. Do you have an age in heaven? Do you do anything in heaven for your birthday or is the day you went to heaven now the day that is celebrated. We don't celebrate that day. I will never celebrate July 4th no matter what anyone tells me. It's marked with such sadness that I don't ever see being able to get past. 

Do you see Haleigh Raye? Oh, how she's grown. She is such a different person than who you knew. Do you hear her prayers? Do you see her questions about you and why you aren't here anymore? Does God pass on my thoughts to you that I ask Him to tell you? Do you know what happened that day?  Did you realize what happened? Did you hurt? My first words to anyone knowledgeable in how you died is, "Hi, how are you. Good to meet you too.  Did my son suffer?" Do you know I want accountability for your death. Do you know it didn't have to happen. Probably doesn't matter to you but it does to me. Do you see my anger at your death? That I know it didn't have to happen. That it could have been prevented and not one person/entity has said, "I'm sorry." In fact it feels that I'm avoided like the plague. I just want someone responsible to say something. 

Haleigh Raye celebrated her 13th birthday and it was the best time we had in a long time. There was no sorrow just utter joy and it was all for her but you were not forgotten. I've always said if the veil is lifted for you to see us it would be when we are in complete happiness and that night we were. Were you able to celebrate with us? I'm trying my best to be the mom to her I can't be to you anymore. People always tell me, "Noah would want us to enjoy life, the lake, etc..." You were 10. How could even you know what you want us to do? But, there is one thing I will never ever doubt you would want me to do. You loved your sister with all your heart. You did. You were her protector. You shared so much. You shared secrets and many times she will tell me something you all did together that I never ever knew. Oh, how I love to hear those stories. If there is anything in this world I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you would want me to do and that is to take care of her in every single way I can. I promise you with all I have in me I will be a mother to her for both of you and you will be proud of how I take care of her not only for her...but, to me, I am taking care of you too. 

Your always welcome to me, Noah. I pray every night to dream about you. Whether it be now or 10 years from now. Your always welcome to me and I will always miss you and a part of me is gone that will never ever be replaced while I am on this earth. But one day, I hold on to the promise of the joy that will come in the morning. 

And until that morning arrives onward we will go.

And onward we go....

And a year has come....and a year has gone and onward we go.

Many, MANY times I get responses from people saying, "I just don't know what to say to you" or "words don't seem adequate." And now...that is the feeling I am left with when reflecting on friends (even those I have never met) and family who remembered us yesterday and the entire past year. Whatever way it was, it was yours and it is deeply and humbly appreciated and accepted. I tried to respond to each and every one and as the day wore on and as emotions became more uncontrollable within me, I couldn't seem to muster the energy up but please know that I read every single one of them and they carried us through our day.

I have to say a HUGE thank you to my friends who didn't even think twice about picking up and traveling with me anywhere I chose and doing whatever I felt like I needed to do and even getting me a birthday cake. (But luckily they knew me well enough that I DID NOT want a "Happy Birthday" song) so we just set around like good friends do and shared chocolate cake. Well, those that like chocolate did.

Our whirlwind adventure these past two days concluded last night with family and friends gathering at my parents' house and, at the end of the day, I felt so blessed.

To someone who has became one of my closest friends this past year, Angela, whose story can be found here, "We made it!!!" and I am so proud of you and so thankful you had the courage to knock on my door one night and I'm even more glad you stayed around even when I shut the door on you while I was trying to figure out exactly who you were.

Tomorrow is July 6 and will be my second birthday without Noah. I now know what his absence in my life feels like. I have an idea of the feelings I will experience throughout my lifetime now.

So, I'm almost at a point wondering what is next. What do I blog about now? I'm a worrier and someone who pre-dreads everything. Now that all the first anniversaries are over with, what will I worry about? What will I dread next? Am I going to let the worry and fear overcome me and not try to live my life and overlook the good that is before me.


Once, when I was so convinced that I might lose Haleigh Raye I couldn't even concentrate or enjoy the setting I was in, I was asked this, "Did you ever worry about something happening to Noah and Haleigh Raye before July 4, 2012?" My response was, "why, yes, of course I did." I was then asked, "and how did all that worrying help you cope with the loss of Noah. Did it make it any easier? Did it do anything for you other than taking away the precious time you were spending in worry?" Of course, the answer was no. There was not much of anything that helped with the loss of Noah except just learning to live through it and I don't think the dreading or worrying about the next tragedy in my life will help me deal with it any better. So why let myself get to that point. I totally understand that is something that can be easier said than done but, with faith, mental discipline and support, I believe it can be done and I am proof of it.

So...onward we go. I have found my passions in life and I'm ready to immerse myself in those.

• I want to share my faith with people, however God uses me to do that, I am willing and I am ready. 

• I want to share Noah's testimony and keep his memory alive as best I can while at the same time not living in the past.  

• I want to watch Haleigh Raye grow up and guide her to the best of my abilities and make her feel so loved and show her she is #1. Because, to me, she is. 

• I want to be an encourager to friends, acquaintances and strangers. I want to be the best friend to those who surrounded me this past year. I want to look people in the eye, listen to their story, reflecting on how far a kind word can carry someone and remember most of us are one of three different type of people. There are those who coming right out of a storm, those who are in the middle of a storm or those about to go through a storm. 

• And, finally, my pursuit to make changes and educate others. I won't ever forget what took Noah away from us and it didn't have to be this way. Something has to happen. My goal is to make sure it does. 

I understand, with the help of others, "We made it this far. And I won't let all this pain we suffered through for be in vain and with all I have in me I will make sure Noah Dean lives on in different ways."

The ending of one of my favorite poems I remember memorizing in middle school sums my goals up.  "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep."

So onward we go.