Don't take it for granted

In Noah Dean's short 10 years on this earth I confirmed many dates and times for him. From dentist and doctor appointments, playdates, practices and, as many parents know, the list is endless. After his death we had to cancel many of those that were already scheduled out in advance (me being the planner I am.) Then we went on to make and confirm different types of appointments. From a time to pick out his casket, the service, his headstone, even reviewing investigative reports and meeting with experts to find out what in the world happened that day and now we still meet to find out what we can do to make sure no one else suffers a tragedy like what we experienced on July 4, 2012.

Today I confirmed yet another appointment. The date and time for his headstone to be installed. Yes, that is an option to be able to watch it go up. I think I dealt with all the administrative parts of it for so, so long, the emotional part hit me when I saw the number and heard the words, "we have the monument ready for Noah."

I felt like I didn't even blink and he was gone. My child was taken way too soon.

Parents, don't take it for granted. Don't be frustrated when they cling to you and you can't get on with your day. They didn't ask to be brought into this world.

Don't roll your eyes when the school calls you with a sick child and it interrupts your work day. Let your child know that THEY are not the interruption. Your work day is.

Find out what they enjoy and immerse yourself in it. Ask questions, get down on the floor and play. There are a lot of things I learned about Noah and what he liked AFTER he died. Irony at its finest. 

Encourage them and help them better their skills. Strengthen what they are good at so they won't feel as incompetent when their weaknesses come up.

Find the good in life. From the simple things of bird watching to delivering food and fellowship to a shut in. Teach them empathy and compassion for others and the world we live in. 

Don't take a single second for granted. From rushing out the door in the morning, to the last goodbye as you drop them off at school to kissing their forehead goodnight and telling them, truly looking them square in the eye, how very much you love them and how you are blessed God allowed them to be in your life. 

"Faith That Can Move a Mountain" - January 2013

"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matt 17-20. Faith as a mustard seed?!? Faith….as a mustard seed."

This is a verse I have heard my entire life. Read my entire life. But…I don't think I have ever really applied that verse to my life as I have now. I mean sometimes I am one to take things very literal, black and white and moving a mountain does not seem to be something I could do no matter how big my faith grew to be. But…there was the problem. I was focusing on having a perfect faith to save me and not focusing on the perfect object of my faith. Sometimes we find ourselves so caught up with the bible studies, the fellowships, the busyness of a "perfect" lifestyle we lose sight of where our eyes should be focused and that is straight ahead centered on that perfect object which is God. It does not mean those things are not good and beneficial to us and our families. They are! They can be! We are encouraged to worship and fellowship with other believers and stay in the Word. I love each and everyone of those and have participated in over a dozen myself but if we are not reminding our flesh of that perfect object that should be the center of our heart's desire than we are doing all those in vain and we are exhausting ourselves in the process. 

Losing Noah Dean was by far the most challenging life experience I have ever, ever ever come upon to say the least (and that even feels like a gross understatement) and some days it can be a daily, hourly, even minute by minute challenge to try and overcome. I think nothing, unless I lose Haleigh Raye, will ever, ever, ever come close to it. And losing her is a daily fear I have. I think, at least twice a day, I pray to God (and been known to beg) "please don't take Haleigh Raye away from me and don't take me away from her and let us live our lives out together." 

As much as I have a yearning and constant ache to be with Noah, I have learned to grow numb to that and remind myself that "Noah is ok" and "Noah doesn't need me." I need him more than he needs me and that truth still hurts. There will be moments that I find myself caught up in a feeling of "I am going on without him, I must not love him if I am smiling or laughing, is he upset that he is not a part of this life, my life, our life anymore." Rational thoughts? No. Normal thoughts? I sure hope so and…I feel they are because they do not last long anymore and I do not allow them to take over my thinking process. It takes such a self discipline to turn those and other thoughts around and focus on the One…the only One would could take better care of Noah than me…the only One who knows me, knows my heart, knows my intentions, knows what I am capable of and knows my mustard seed like faith. And He knows you too. Only He can grow and cultivate that small faith that can move a mountain. 

My mountain is learning to live, for now, without Noah. My mountain is learning to live for a little girl who did not die and needs to see her momma live, not just exist, but to live, laugh and love. My mountain is covered in grief and sin and is as black as black can be. I suspect I will be climbing that mountain everyday for the rest of my life. But while I am walking, while I am panting, while I am trudging ahead, I will keep my focus not on the mountain I am climbing or the steps I am taking and will not let myself bask in the strides I am making but will keep looking straight ahead. 

Many times I have said I am on the "Road to Noah Dean." Well, I am, but he will just be a pit stop for me because at the end of that road, at the top of that washed white as snow mountain is where I will see everything with perfect clarity as 1 Cor 13:12 promises me and I will see face to face the One. The One who took my mustard seed like faith and moved my mountain and He can move your mountain too.

Bittersweet Friendship

Facebook Post From November 14, 2012

Today I am thankful for another bittersweet moment and a new bittersweet friendship that came into my life. As I concluded a “new normal” weekend on Sunday I had just sat down to hear a knock at my door. Being home alone with Haleigh Raye I reluctantly opened it and found a stranger at my door. As I looked at her through my screen door I saw that she noticed my hesitancy and she tried to put me at ease by telling me she was Angela O'Bryan Anderson from Missouri and had been to the UT/MO game this weekend (which explained her cute yellow nails.) I haphazardly congratulated her on her state’s win and silently wondered if she had ended up on my door step for a congratulations from a lifelong true blue Tennessee fan or was there something else she wanted to share. The latter parts of my thoughts were correct and her next words left me frozen and confused. “I lost two kids in the lake…on July 4.” I thought for a moment and vaguely remember being told about her story. There was two siblings who died the very same way Noah did the very same day just two hours prior. But those days were such a fog, the family was so far away and I was dealing with so much here I couldn't really absorb the story and the full effects of a mom losing two children not that I didn't have sympathy for her I was just dealing with the loss of my one and it was about to overtake me. The cause of Noah’s death is one that is rarely heard of and for it to happen to four kids in one day is uncanny but it did happen and the mother of the other two children, who was just a stranger moments ago, is now standing in front of me. Once I took a minute to put all this together and realize what a connection we had I immediately ushered her in, offered her a seat and we talked and talked and talked. We talked for 3 hours while her sweet friend waited in the car for her (Now, don’t worry I displayed southern hospitality to both of these Missouri fans and invited her in as well but she politely declined). Angela and I laughed, we cried, we exchanged stories and we eventually talked about what took our children from us. She was there that day with her kids and I was not and I had many questions about Noah and what quite possibly he dealt with that medical examiners were only able to answer in medical terms that didn't make much sense to me. I wanted to know if Noah suffered…did Noah know what happened to him. Those thoughts stay with me daily and nightly. Of course, she could only share with me her own story and even asked if she could before she went into details. I won’t really know answers about Noah until I get to heaven and may not even be allowed to know them then. But for now I battle the flesh and still live with those questions and wonder why didn't God intervene that day with Noah. Why didn't he have someone put the precautions in place so that Noah wouldn't have went through this. I don’t think that God caused the circumstances around Noah’s death but I can’t help but wonder why. Why did it happen? Why was it Noah? Why didn't someone somewhere know what they were doing. I'm angry but doesn't mean I’m angry at God. Doesn't mean I don't have faith in God. It means I’m human and I want answers surrounding everything that happened that day and the time prior that led up to this death. But with all those questions about God I do know he is God and he is faithful and that he did intercede in my life when he brought this new friend into my life. A new friend that I wish I had never heard of and I wish she never would have heard of me and I wish we didn't have a story to share…but we do. He knew my heart and knew I needed someone with similar circumstances who understood what I was going through and the questions I face and the thoughts that haunt me. So, Angela, I thank you for staying up all Friday night in your hotel in Knoxville and researching us and our story. I thank you for answering the call that was on your heart to come find this grieving mother who needed someone as much as you did. If you haven't read about Angela and her story, I encourage you to do so and add her to your prayers. I know she, her husband and especially their son Garrett, who is discovering what is it like to go from middle child to only child, will be on mine for the rest of my life...probably several times a day.

This is an update on Angela and another hurdle they just crossed and I am trying to cross myself. One thing I personally have learned about grief is that everyone handles it differently and everyone handles the "have to's" that come with it differently...A headstone is not a want or a need...it's a have to. 

"Living without faith is like driving in a fog."

Facebook Post from September 2012

This morning as I was driving Haleigh Raye to school I was frustrated because my windows were so foggy I couldn't see. I literally had to pull over and wait for the fog to clear (and call my earthly father for help because it was once his car.) As we are waiting Haleigh Raye starts to notice handprints and drawings appear through the fog in the backseat windows. (You know the ones you are always telling your kids or little ones in the car NOT to do.) For a moment I couldn't look at them. I was reminded of all the days I said, "Noah stop writing on my windows." Well with tears in my eyes I did raise my head up and look at them. What a blessing to me they were this morning when I CHOSE TO SEE. Noah's drawings and initials were coming through even in the fog. What a parallel this is to my own life. I move through my hours as if I am in a fog and little things will bring me out and keep me level for a while and then off I go again. When I try to make it on my own and rely on my own strength I see the negative or what I didn't do and everything seems foggy but then I call on my heavenly Father and CHOOSE TO SEE the handprints and drawings in my life it becomes apparent all that God has blessed me with...even in the fog.