It's been almost 2 years since I received the phone call that changed my life, my faith and my focus.
The days and months that followed were a blur and there were so many times I wanted to give up and give in. But there was something in me that just wasn't quite ready to do that as tempting as it sounded.
So I decided, despite the circumstances, to continue on.
Maybe it was a desire to preserve even in the face of adversity.
Maybe it was the stubbornness in me to show those that doubted me, as a person and as a mother.
Maybe it was a legal battle I was in the middle of that I was willing to see to the end.
Quite possibly it was the determination to do something more with Noah and his legacy so that he would not be forgotten and be more than "that boy that was electrocuted on a holiday at the lake."
Perhaps, most importantly, it was my daughter who didn't die and would look at me with questionable eyes wondering if she would lose me next.
Most assuredly it was a combination of all those. I would love to say my journey was full of faith from day one. But...I can't...because it wasn't.
Oh, there was faith and there was trust but there wasn't the complete willingness to hand over my life to God completely and, without that, there was little God could do with someone like me.
My faith is still, very much, a work in progress. I'm learning more and more every day and I am AMAZED at the doors God has opened for us. During this time we have had burdens on our hearts that we just couldn't ignore and wouldn't go away. From passing a VERY COMPLICATED PIECE OF LEGISLATION to working with local non profit organization to do a fundraiser and at the same time do a memorial video to Noah and Nate before Sidewalk Prophets took the stage and even bringing them to Cornerstone Academy to meet Noah's and Nate's class who helped with the garden and bench in their memory.
We've been able to educate boating officers, marinas and I've even went back to do a few things I did pre July 4th, 2012 and...it felt good. Hard, at first, but good.
When I say AMAZED I mean AMAZED, IN AWE and sometimes I stand with my mouth wide open at what has been accomplished. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we were just a vessel for Him and had I not handed over that control I can't help but wonder where I would be.
I've got some mighty prayers warriors that I rely on especially when there is something very specific I am praying for. One of them sent me this verse last year and declared it for me on my behalf.
I laughed at first thinking how in the world can I be used. I'm broken, I'm a sinner and I've fallen such short of the grace that has been doled out to me.
But if I thought I was anymore than I'd be cutting God short on what He does best.
Making something out of nothing for His glory.
There are so many things I don't understand about my life and why I am where I am. But there is now a peace and that is what I rest in.
This weekend I start a new chapter in my life. I am so excited (a little nervous) but more than anything I am so anxious to see what God is going to do next because I know I will do all I can to pray myself through to stay in the center of His will and, in the end, Noah's there waiting. Just like his headstone says "our puzzled hearts will soon be replaced when we see your big brown eyes and smiling face." I can see and hear him now, "Moooommm! This place is so cool! There is so much to show you!" And all those questions, all those "why's", all those "what if's" won't even matter. There will be a new life to live and "the old world, with all its tumults and troubles, will have passed away."
Another 4th is upon us and February is here. It feels like it came out of nowhere. I mean it shouldn't really. As soon as the Christmas decorations were down in retail stores Valentine's Day decorations went up. Of course, in my house, Valentine's Day became a thing of the past when 2002 rolled around for that is the day Noah Dean made his presence into this life. Memories are abundant all year round but especially so during this time.
Memories of birthdays celebrated.
Memories of smiles, laughters and lots of presents.
And how could I ever not embrace the moment of the first time I met him.
Yes, at 1:06…IN THE MORNING!
I was there to welcome him into this world
And I was there when we told him goodbye.
There wasn't enough time in between. At times I'm so angry at the negligence and haphazard approach that took Noah's life. Other times I'm so focused and my path is clear.
A million things I wish I could say to you. Your legacy remains. Your testimony lives on. You've done more through your life and death than some people do in a lifetime. The world missed out on you leaving us so soon. I will do all I can to take care of your sister (she's all teenager now though so keep that in mind.) I saw the love and protection you had over her and you continue to do that even in death. I love all my preschoolers at church. I try to pour into them so much. I remember you and your sister during those times. Those are the years, with you, that were not stolen from me.
There is so much emptiness with you gone but I will work towards fulfilling that…all in your memory and all in your honor. When I didn't think I could love and miss you more I wake up to a new day and I do. When you see me smile and laugh your memory isn't far for I do believe that is when you are closest.
Happy Birthday son. I wish I was celebrating with you but there are things to do and miles to go before I sleep and, for now, we have our love, we have our memories and…I will meet you in my dreams.
It all started with a new box of toothpaste, or at least, what I thought was a new box of toothpaste. Well, no, now that I think about it, this all started with me cleaning out my cabinets. Such a mundane but routine task I had neglected for quite a well because, honestly, I don’t have a lot of food anymore. I rarely shop like I used to and never ever do I buy in bulk as I so often did. Why should I when it is just Haleigh Raye and me and we are not huge consumers…of anything it seems..except maybe data on our phones.
So when I recently cleaned out shelves around my house I realized the expiration dates.January 2013. April 2013. December 2012. July 2012. Yes, some even went back to May 2012. It was at that moment I became conscious of the fact that I have to be the most sentimental person alive. Or at least that I have ever come into contact with and I cried at that. I cried and cried. Not because I felt like I was wasting perfectly good food when other people were in need of it, that was a small percentage of it too, but I knew that when I shopped for those items I had shopped with Noah in mind. And, sentimental me struck again, when I thought, he probably even ate out of some of this. Oh good grief. I had no reasoning. I wanted to save it all. Even the toothpaste, which I had found fallen behind other items, had expired in January 2012.
And then I think I started just a sad, downward spiral of my emotions and hit every single stage of grief in just a few days worth of time. Is this a normal part of grief? Or am I at the crazy stage? Or am I just clinging on to whatever memories, thoughts of Noah I can remember, or to a life that involved him in my everyday schedule.
Add to all these upheaval of emotions that I had to help Haleigh Raye , once again, deal with what she experienced on July 4th. One morning, there was a horrible wreck on the side of the road. With it being on our way to school we feared it might be someone we knew. As Haleigh Raye looked for familiar faces or cars she saw someone being worked on. Immediately she had tears in her eyes as she recalled seeing her own brother being worked on at the dock July 4th. Her next words were, “I hate what that family is getting ready to go through” and I knew she meant it. She hated it and her heart went out to them and it affected her throughout the rest of her day. Then a few days later she was setting in a service and someone gave their own testimony about dates that had affected them. Unaware that Haleigh Raye was among the crowd, July 4th was addressed and how the impact of that day left a rippling effect. It ended up being a very inspiring and encouraging talk but just not one Haleigh Raye could set through nor would I ever expect her to.
And there I was with all these feelings. Angry at what took Noah away and it never being addressed with me. Sad that Haleigh Raye had all those last visions of her brother. Depressed that he was never coming back to everything that he left behind, food, toothpaste, toys and all.
So I did what I had wanted to for a long time. I wrote. I wrote and I wrote the longest sentences to what I feel was part of the reason Noah isn’t here anymore and then I condensed it. It felt like I threw it out to the wind and I have no idea if anyone caught it or not. I would like to think so but...I may never know.
Of course the week went on and onward we went. Haleigh Raye and me both bounced back to our normal (at least the new normal anyway) selves and routines carried on because life, as we have all learned, does go on. Luckily we both try to stay pretty busy with our lives so that we don’t allow ourselves to get stuck in one phase of grief or the other. The friends that have surrounded us are nothing short of uplifting and confidence builders. The family we have is unwavering and always there. And then there is our faith. Our faith has been shaken to its very core and we have questioned so many things we never even gave a second thought to because it wasn’t put to the test in such a deep, challenging way...until now.
A few weeks ago Haleigh Raye sang with the youth choir and, of course, I watched all the youth but especially her as she sang with joy and happiness and I knew she truly believed what she was singing. I see her live it out every single day. The words to the song have came back to me over and over and over and over these past few weeks as we have faced these scenarios. What meaning these words have now.
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
We have a choice how we respond. Among a variety of responses, we can respond in denial (which I’ve been known to do), we can respond in sadness (which I’ve definitely done) and/or we can respond in anger (got the t-shirt on that one.)
But it is when we get stuck in those negative stages is what sets us back. And so just like the song says, "my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be YOUR name. That is a choice we make. That is a choice we have. That is the free will we are given.
In Noah Dean's short 10 years on this earth I confirmed many dates and times for him. From dentist and doctor appointments, playdates, practices and, as many parents know, the list is endless. After his death we had to cancel many of those that were already scheduled out in advance (me being the planner I am.) Then we went on to make and confirm different types of appointments. From a time to pick out his casket, the service, his headstone, even reviewing investigative reports and meeting with experts to find out what in the world happened that day and now we still meet to find out what we can do to make sure no one else suffers a tragedy like what we experienced on July 4, 2012.
Today I confirmed yet another appointment. The date and time for his headstone to be installed. Yes, that is an option to be able to watch it go up. I think I dealt with all the administrative parts of it for so, so long, the emotional part hit me when I saw the number and heard the words, "we have the monument ready for Noah."
I felt like I didn't even blink and he was gone. My child was taken way too soon.
Parents, don't take it for granted. Don't be frustrated when they cling to you and you can't get on with your day. They didn't ask to be brought into this world.
Don't roll your eyes when the school calls you with a sick child and it interrupts your work day. Let your child know that THEY are not the interruption. Your work day is.
Find out what they enjoy and immerse yourself in it. Ask questions, get down on the floor and play. There are a lot of things I learned about Noah and what he liked AFTER he died. Irony at its finest. Encourage them and help them better their skills. Strengthen what they are good at so they won't feel as incompetent when their weaknesses come up. Find the good in life. From the simple things of bird watching to delivering food and fellowship to a shut in. Teach them empathy and compassion for others and the world we live in. Don't take a single second for granted. From rushing out the door in the morning, to the last goodbye as you drop them off at school to kissing their forehead goodnight and telling them, truly looking them square in the eye, how very much you love them and how you are blessed God allowed them to be in your life.
A few months ago I mentioned, at the end of one of my blogposts, the difficulty in deciding on a headstone. As a parent there are many scenarios that play out in your mind as you journey through parenthood. "What will I do for my child's birthday? What school is best for my child? Is homeschool or public/private school right for my child? What is the best method for discipline?" These are just to name a few. The list can be endless and I was definitely one who tried to explore every possible situation I might face as a parent. Yes, I was (and still am) a thinker and a worrier.
But never did I think about choosing a headstone for one of my children. I remember one time, well before July 4, 2012, waking up sobbing after dreaming about losing someone close to me. I recalled the dream later and remember thinking, "how would I ever deal with the loss of one of my children?" I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind not even being able to comprehend it. Not wanting to comprehend it and went on about my day.
So many decisions had to be made just days after Noah's death. "Would we do one service for Noah and Nate? What music do we play? Who sings? What clothes do we dress him in? Where do we bury them? Do we see Noah or is that too much?" We were a young family who, besides the fact we were not emotionally ready, we were not financially ready for any of it.
I will be very honest. I was probably the least one prepared for any of this and I had no reasoning about me. To say that I was mentally "out of it" would be an understatement. I couldn't make any decision. Choices were made for me and no one knew if it was right or wrong but who knew what was the right thing to do at time like that. It was like we were all operating in a fog not being able to see very far ahead. There was no rule book for us to go by and then, even if there was, one had to factor in all the emotions that followed our situation. So many people involved. So many feelings carried over and were intensified by Noah's and Nate's deaths.
Fast forward months later and as time went on I got a little bit stronger in many areas of my life. In my parenting, in my ministry, in my relationships and most importantly, in my own spiritual journey. I still am not anywhere I was a few years ago but I've come to realize that may not be such a bad thing. I don't have to balance a million things at one time. I don't have to pretend to have it all together. I am becoming who, I believe, I was meant to be. Faults, failure, a few successes and all.
But there was still the headstone issue and, for lack of a better term, it kind of hung over us. I wasn't ready to memorialize him in such a permanent way. And I'm still not...but it had to be done. It needed to be done. For Noah, for his family...and for closure in this aspect. At home, I wanted some sort of rememberance of Noah for us. So we created our own little memorial for him and that was very appropriate...but still......
A headstone had to be ordered.
It had to be decided on. Words that would last forever needed to be chosen. Scripture that represented Noah,his life, his faith, his family's faith. It was time and it was left up to the two people who knew and loved him best and there was no avoiding it, sooner or later, it had to be done.
But how?
How do you sum up Noah's life on a piece of stone so that years and years later people will get some sort of idea of him and know how much fun he was. How much he was loved and how he believed? How do I represent him well so that when Haleigh Raye's own family see this they come to understand something about a boy they never knew but is so much a part of their heritage and their life.
I finally decided I can't. I have to do the best I can with the space I have and just hope that people will get some sort of glimpse of the Noah Dean we all knew.
We struggled with this for months. It was thought over, prayed over, discussed over, and, more than once, was a source of frustration. Rough drafts were drawn up and rough drafts were discarded. Too formal. Not formal enough. Wording didn't make sense.
But slowly it evolved.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
This was one of the first verses Noah memorized in AWANA and was probably the last verse Noah wrote just a few weeks before he died and taped it to his bathroom mirror.
He knew it by heart (even if he couldn't quite spell it all correctly.) He knew what it meant. It was written on his heart.
"Butthey who wait for theLordshall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
I love this verse. We included it, not necessarily for Noah, but for us when we visit the Noah we knew. It encourages us to wait and be patient and to put our faith in the Lord and He will renew us and it's true. When I try to do it on my own, I falter and fail. When I ask for strength, that can only come from above and I work from that, I am renewed.
With each birthday, no matter whether it was a family or family and friends party, I always did homemade invitations for the kids. I would make up a cute little poem about them.
They couldn't wait to see what the invitation looked like. I admit I lack in creativity but I did have fun doing them each year and I think they enjoyed it too (or perhaps they enjoyed watching me entertain myself as I spent days thinking of little rhymes.)
As Noah's birthday rolled around this year, I realized that was something I would miss and I wanted to be able to do just one more for him from me. And then it hit me. I can do one more because he is really is having the biggest celebration. The mother of all birthday parties. He's in heaven. How much bigger does it get? So I went to work on a cute little poem for....his headstone.
I wanted to somehow incorporate a verse that has saved me time and time again when I couldn't reign in my emotions and wanted to know why? "Why did this happen? Why was it Noah? Why did you allow it God?"
This is actually my own version and it sits in my living room. It is one of the verses I remember my pastor reciting these words to me very early on. My friends said it to me over and over. We prayed over it so many times and it's on notecards in several places for me to run across as I go about my day. I would cry out to God, "promise me one day I won't be puzzled anymore. I will understand just like Noah does now."
When I asked Haleigh Raye if she wanted any input on the headstone, she answered a very resounding, "NO!" Despite her reluctance to participate, I wanted to make sure she was included somehow and asked her if I could include her signature word, "LOVE!" which is what she says before leaving someone in case something happens to one of them goodbye is not the last word exchanged. With enthusiasm she responded, "YES!"(She actually started saying "LOVE!" before July 4 and one of her biggest regrets with Noah is that was one time she didn't say "LOVE!" but rather "see you in a minute!" Reflecting on her final words to him maybe, when we see him again, it will feel like it's just been a minute.) I knew, with her blessing,we had our last line. It was encouraging, it was positive and we meant it. And this....was our final result.
Nate, no doubt, got his creative talent and artistic abilities from his mom and when she designed Nate's headstone as a Lego Monument, I was grateful she let us use the idea too. Their headstones match and are beautiful. Noah's etching begins this week and should be ready in just a few weeks.
I have no doubt when Noah stood before God he earned the "Well done, good and faithful servant" not only for what he did while he was living but what he continues to do even in death. His memories, his testimony lives on. At 10 years old he left a legacy it takes some people a full lifetime to build up, if that.
Our church used this song when Noah was a baby as we entered the early stages of building our children's building that opens in just a few short weeks. No doubt his and Nate's absence will be felt as we enter those doors for the first time and the years afterwards. But, with all I can and until the Lord calls me elsewhere, I will do my absolute best to carry on a legacy.
Last year one of my fresh start goals for my kids and me was to enjoy the great outdoors and the nature that surrounds us. The first step, for me (with help), was to start with our very own backyard. Noah LOVED anything that had to do with the outside so I was eager to help start anything that might be of interest to him. So, we (with guidance) started our own little garden that Noah Dean enjoyed so very much. He loved planting. He loved watering the flowers. He just loved being active outside and I loved watching him immerse himself in the upkeep of his house and watching him learn. He even bought this little lighthouse (that now lights up my front porch) from Cracker Barrel for decoration in his garden.
The summer, that was upon us, held so much promise...or so we thought. Who knew, at the time of this picture, we would only have Noah Dean just a few more months.
A few months ago we came up with the idea of doing some type of garden in my backyard as a quiet, peaceful place to be able to sit, reflect, enjoy and even to cry. We didn't really know where it would be or what it would look like and I was still so hesitant about doing anything in my backyard so we just held onto the idea till we knew what to do. As we prepare for Noah's headstone to be put in place and as the holiday decorations have come and gone, we took some of the older items from his gravesite home with us. Those things were given in such love and I spent many moments gazing at those items, with so many feelings, as they adorned Noah's final resting place, so we were not quite sure what to do with them once we got them home. Something else we just held onto till we knew what to do. On Noah Dean's birthday, one of my good friends, Buffie Simerly gave me a beautiful white hydrangea in his memory and we just recently planted it. And then everything just came together for a little memorial for Noah. The idea of a garden and the items from the gravesite, both of which we had held on to, and then the hydrangea.
Noah LOVED my dad and LOVED that my dad gave him matchbox cars and a few dollars every now and then so he could buy, for himself, the candy I would hardly ever allow him to have. I brought some of those home to relive the joy he felt when he received something as simple a few dollars and a couple cars.
Last spring Noah and I attended the Chik Fil La Mother/Son Knight Event. He presented me with a Spider Mum. We took it home, put it in a vase and he was so proud of it. That flower was so beautiful and seemed to last forever.
Each Sunday our church has flowers at the altar that families can purchase to remember or honor a loved one. I do this for Noah on his birthday and for July 4. I chose this past Sunday for ours since the Sunday before the church was decorated in July 4 decorations. I didn't make a request for any type of arrangement and to my surprise it was full of Spider Mums and yellow roses (one of Haleigh Raye's favorites.) I took them to the cemetery and brought a few home for us to remember yet another memory.
For so long I couldn't even walk in my backyard without being emotionally overwhelmed by so many memories. From seeing Noah run around as a baby, to closing my eyes and hearing him say, "I can swing myself, Mommy" to his last days of watching him ride his bike around the house over and over...and over and over...thinking those endless summer nights would never end....
I can still look out there and see him now and if I try hard enough and let myself go there, I can see AND hear him...at the same time. A precious privilege I took for granted. This memorial is not right in the middle of the backyard and is not always in plain view. It's off to the side. Just like his memory is to me. Not always seen...but he is always there...just off to the side. So, what better place, then my own backyard, Noah's own backyard, to have a small memorial place for him where I can relive so many memories of days gone by and where new memories are bittersweetly being made.
And a year has come....and a year has gone and onward we go.
Many, MANY times I get responses from people saying, "I just don't know what to say to you" or "words don't seem adequate." And now...that is the feeling I am left with when reflecting on friends (even those I have never met) and family who remembered us yesterday and the entire past year. Whatever way it was, it was yours and it is deeply and humbly appreciated and accepted. I tried to respond to each and every one and as the day wore on and as emotions became more uncontrollable within me, I couldn't seem to muster the energy up but please know that I read every single one of them and they carried us through our day.
I have to say a HUGE thank you to my friends who didn't even think twice about picking up and traveling with me anywhere I chose and doing whatever I felt like I needed to do and even getting me a birthday cake. (But luckily they knew me well enough that I DID NOT want a "Happy Birthday" song) so we just set around like good friends do and shared chocolate cake. Well, those that like chocolate did.
Our whirlwind adventure these past two days concluded last night with family and friends gathering at my parents' house and, at the end of the day, I felt so blessed.
To someone who has became one of my closest friends this past year, Angela, whose story can be found here, "We made it!!!" and I am so proud of you and so thankful you had the courage to knock on my door one night and I'm even more glad you stayed around even when I shut the door on you while I was trying to figure out exactly who you were.
Tomorrow is July 6 and will be my second birthday without Noah. I now know what his absence in my life feels like. I have an idea of the feelings I will experience throughout my lifetime now.
So, I'm almost at a point wondering what is next. What do I blog about now? I'm a worrier and someone who pre-dreads everything. Now that all the first anniversaries are over with, what will I worry about? What will I dread next? Am I going to let the worry and fear overcome me and not try to live my life and overlook the good that is before me.
Once, when I was so convinced that I might lose Haleigh Raye I couldn't even concentrate or enjoy the setting I was in, I was asked this, "Did you ever worry about something happening to Noah and Haleigh Raye before July 4, 2012?" My response was, "why, yes, of course I did." I was then asked, "and how did all that worrying help you cope with the loss of Noah. Did it make it any easier? Did it do anything for you other than taking away the precious time you were spending in worry?" Of course, the answer was no. There was not much of anything that helped with the loss of Noah except just learning to live through it and I don't think the dreading or worrying about the next tragedy in my life will help me deal with it any better. So why let myself get to that point. I totally understand that is something that can be easier said than done but, with faith, mental discipline and support, I believe it can be done and I am proof of it.
So...onward we go. I have found my passions in life and I'm ready to immerse myself in those.
I want to share my faith with people, however God uses me to do that, I am willing and I am ready.
I want to share Noah's testimony and keep his memory alive as best I can while at the same time not living in the past.
I want to watch Haleigh Raye grow up and guide her to the best of my abilities and make her feel so loved and show her she is #1. Because, to me, she is.
I want to be an encourager to friends, acquaintances and strangers. I want to be the best friend to those who surrounded me this past year. I want to look people in the eye, listen to their story, reflecting on how far a kind word can carry someone and remember most of us are one of three different type of people. There are those who coming right out of a storm, those who are in the middle of a storm or those about to go through a storm.
And, finally, my pursuit to make changes and educate others. I won't ever forget what took Noah away from us and it didn't have to be this way. Something has to happen. My goal is to make sure it does.
I understand, with the help of others, "We made it this far. And I won't let all this pain we suffered through for be in vain and with all I have in me I will make sure Noah Dean lives on in different ways."
The ending of one of my favorite poems I remember memorizing in middle school sums my goals up. "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep."
And in just a moment I realize his Legos mean the world to me and I wish I had watched all the moments of his little hands carefully working with them.
And in just a moment I feel how precious anything he had last touched becomes like gold to me and I want to run my fingers up and down and all around to try and feel some connection to his skin or maybe some lingering smell.
And in just a moment I can consume myself with pictures that are priceless treasures no amount of money can buy. I obsess over them taking in every expression, every article of clothing and even every little thing that was in his hand wondering where those things are now.
And in just a moment fear can overtake me when I remember something I have forgotten about him, a phrase he would say, a scar on his face, a toy he had and I wonder to myself, "what else about him has left my memory."
And in just a moment I see kids growing up including Haleigh Raye. She's getting so tall and he's not. What would he have in common with her. With other kids. What would he be doing with them right now. What sport would he be playing in. What toy would he like me to get him. Where exactly is he...? What is he doing right now? Right this minute.
And in just a moment I forget he is gone. I call for him. I grocery shop for him. I look for him.
And in just a moment I realize...I remember.
And in just those moments I experience an unexplainable hurt, solitude and loneliness. I know the ache of being torn between two worlds. His and hers. I know the desire to live out life with Haleigh Raye, to watch her grow up, to guide her on this journey but still wrestling with a longing, a want that I have no control over.
And in just a moment it hits me again and again...the moments she needs from me in life are no longer moments I will be able to give to Noah.
He doesn't need me in anyway form or fashion. He is much better off then any of us here. But it still doesn't make it any easier with the aftermath we are dealing with. I'm trying to understand "the bigger plan." I'm trying to comprehend "it's not for me to know this side." I try to reason with myself. I tell myself I lived 26 years without him and I was just fine. He just was passing through my life and I will be the one who is ok.
And in the next moment, the next breath, still yet, still to this day, there are moments I beg, bargain and barter to have him back with me. With us. It could happen. It's just been a moment. It's just been months since I held him, touched him, texted him...kissed him. Things I took for granted just months ago which, in a moment, has turned into
a year ago.
And in just a moment it won't be months. We will add the words I've come to dread to add for some time now. A year.
“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.”
― C.S. Lewis,A Grief Observed
The past couple of months I feel like, through much prayer, self control and discipline, I have learned to "manage" my grief per say. I've not come upon too many things that make me totally shut down in public. I've not ran away and hid when a memory presents itself. I've not let myself get too upset when I feel someone or a situation is forgetting Noah...or, on the flip side, someone or something reminds me that he is supposed to be here.
But, without question, I still mourn for Noah. I mourn for what Noah has lost. A life he was supposed to be living. Field trips he should be on, school and church plays he should be singing in and roads he should be running up and down on. I will admit I feel a twinge of jealousy and bitterness arise in me when I see a group of boys out laughing and playing. He's supposed to be there. And then I try to remember what I've been told. What I've learned. What I know. "Noah is ok! Noah is in a better place." His end on earth does not mean the end of him. It is the end of what I knew of Noah. But it wasn't supposed to end this way. At this time.
Sometimes, however, my grief will take a different turn. I can get lost in my own grief and so consumed by it I just zone out and will tend to shut even those closest to me out of my world. I am oblivious to what is going on and I find myself in complete mourning, depression and just plain feeling sorry for myself of what has been taken from me and wondering how on earth will I go on without someone I was never supposed to lose in the first place. And then, I mourn as a mother. I ask myself how did this happen? Why did this happen? What part did I play in this? It wasn't supposed to go this way. I have lost my son and there is nothing I can do to bring him back. All those times he was scared and I gently reassured him, "Noah's it's ok, mommy won't let anyone or anything hurt you." I didn't come through on that and even now I find myself hesitating when I say those words to Haleigh Raye. What if she doubts me, as a mother, and thinks, "but something did hurt my brother." A confidence about my maternal role has been taken away. I can't protect them, I didn't protect him like I thought I could...like I was supposed to. And then another wave hits me and I mourn for all the "supposed to's" that I can't do anymore. I can't mother him anymore. The anxiety, the fears, the worries come back like they are all new. I won't get to watch him grow up. I won't get to watch him graduate high school. I won't get to watch him decide what career he will choose.
I won't get to watch him fall in love, pick out a ring and marry his bride. But I'm supposed to be able to do all those things and more. It's not fair. I made sure he participated in sports, budgeted for braces and did yearly physicals. I helped him with homework, tried to secure him a good education so he could choose the career field he wanted. I prayed for his future wife and wondered what she was doing at the moments I prayed for her.
I did that because I was his mom. That is what I was supposed to do. It is what I was called to do. It is what I wanted to do. But it is not what is. So, now, what am I supposed to do when he doesn't need me anymore? When the natural instinct and yearning of being a mom to him is there but he is not.
What's supposed to happen now?
(I set on this post for a few days trying to find some neat and tidy way to close this post rather than leave it open ended with a question. But I realized I can't because I don't know what is supposed to happen next. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do next. There is no correct way to deal with the turn my life has taken. Anyone that knew me before the loss of Noah knows what a planner I prided myself in being. Part of this struggle, with my own grief, is the fact that so much is unknown and that can scare me more than anything. I've had to give up a control in my life I thought I had, I thought was mine when all along the control was not mine to have. Noah's death has brought me to my knees and made me really stop and think, "do I really believe what I say I believe." I will be honest I've doubted a lot of things and I've had to come face to face with that and deal with it. And there are sometimes it has not been pretty to be confronted with myself in that way. But when the grief has exhausted me, the supposed to's are too much and pain has lost its numbness I can rest that Noah made a decision to put his childlike faith and trust into a God so that, in death, he would be where he was supposed to be.)
Noah LOVED LOVED LOVED the outdoors and LOVED our backyard. It was the only backyard he ever knew. Last spring I made a conscious decision to do many more things with my kids and spending more time in our backyard with Noah was at the top of that list. With Noah's help we started a garden, planted flowers and enjoyed many MANY meals on our back porch. There was such a time, just about a year ago, I felt peace was finally within reach. It turned out...it was about to be quite the opposite.
Just days after July 4 I remember declaring I was not going back home...EVER. I begged, I pleaded, I demanded, I screamed, "I can't do it" but my family, friends and counselor were insistent that Haleigh Raye and me needed to return to her routine and consistency. She needed to return home. "It would be good for us." Well, I'm not going to go on the record at my responses or even the faces I made during these "talks" we would have but it was not the most pleasant of exchanges. At that time I could not even begin to envision me ever enjoying life again much less go back to the house where so many memories would be waiting for me. I was so torn between not wanting to move forward but knowing Haleigh Raye needed me to do just that. And...return home we did. So many special people (some even being strangers) worked tirelessly and literally flipped (redecorated) my entire house in about 10 days. To my own surprise we have slowly found a peace and contentment in a place where I was convinced the memories, that so early on haunted me over and over, would overshadow any good ever taking place. I remember so many people telling me early on, "I can't imagine." Well, I couldn't imagine myself this place I had found myself in. I couldn't imagine laughter in this house. I couldn't imagine peaceful nights. I couldn't imagine waking up on Saturday mornings with only one child and not the two children that God had given me and now had allowed for one of them to be taken away. But we have found some hidden traces of all that and more and they may not even last that long but they are there. They are there because I tried and I decided (with the help of many, many others) that I could.
The backyard, however, was not something I even ventured out unto until our St. Patricks Day celebration just a few weeks ago and it was by accident I found myself out there. Last night I reluctantly agreed to eat outside which is another something I said I would couldn't do because so many new and fun memories were made at this table watching Noah in his garden, with his flowers, on his bike or just running around. But I had to remember so many memories were made there with Haleigh Raye too...and even more new memories awaited me with her there as well. So off to the backyard patio we went to enjoy dinner...
I have to admit I had a hard time enjoying it and we cut it short but it made me realize it was just another thing I said I couldn't do, another thing I wouldn't do but I ended up being able to because I said, "I can."
This time hasn't been the easiest without Noah and the circumstances that surround his death and even saying that is a HUGE understatement. I go back and hear those people telling me "I can't imagine." And I have felt and still feel the same way. I couldn't imagine losing a child...but I did. I couldn't imagine attending my child's celebration service...but I did. I couldn't imagine returning to the house we shared, the school he attended or the church we belonged to...but I did. We did and are doing it everyday. The problem was and still is I can get so caught up looking so far ahead at what I couldn't do, what I didn't want to do I couldn't see what I needed to be doing at the present moment that was right in front of me. If anyone knows me well especially before July 4 they know I am such a planner with a to do list for my to do lists (yes I said lists as in plural.) I would get such a sense of pride by checking something off my list and still do but, oh, how my to list has changed! My goals are so much smaller than what they were just a year ago. But with each goal I accomplish and with each goal I attempt, just as I think I can't take another step, as I think I can't take another breath even as I think I can't live another day without Noah I am reminded of these simple but powerful words....
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
Christ is the most important word in this verse because He comes first but next important are the words I can. We have to be willing to put forth effort and not set around and say, "I can't, I can't, I can't." The things I have had to do these past 9 months make me shutter just setting here thinking about them. Hearing my son is dead, wondering how in the world can I look at Haleigh Raye's face as we tell her that her brother is gone forever, seeing him and adjusting to this new normal that we have involuntarily had to find our way in. But they have made me realize how true this verse really is because I know now...
I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
