Just one more day… I have just one…more…day. One more day that I can say, "Last year I watched Noah play baseball." Not in a dream. One more day I can say, "Last year I sat down with Haleigh Raye and Noah." And it isn't my imagination. I watched them fight, I watched them love, I watched them play. In real life. Now I watch her live but I also watch her grieve. One more day I can say, "Last year I watched him sleep, I felt him breathe on me, I smelled his skin." And I'm not having to conjure up a memory. Just one more day I can say the words "last year" and relate it to things I did with him. What I wouldn't give for just one more day. Just last year he was here. He was alive. He was real. Now, as I see it, It's still just one more day One more day closer to heaven. Just one more day closer to Noah.
Some of my favorite pictures.
Taken just…last…year.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4
“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.” - C.S. Lewis
How true these words are. Physical pain is something that can be treated. It seems there can be a fix or a remedy for what ails one or a treatment plan can be put in place. If one has a broken bone, surgery or a cast is usually the next step.
But what about a broken heart? There is nothing that is guaranteed to work. There is no prescription. There is no over the counter medicine. Not even an old wives' tale that will cure this ailment and sometimes the symptoms can't even be expressed.
Last summer after July 4, I can remember feeling everything made me sick. To look at anything was nauseating. To set up and see the world going on around me was terrifying. Loneliness filled my days and fear stole my sleep. There were times I wouldn't even want Noah's name said or any reference to him. Just the slightest memory of him overwhelmed me. And the future. What future? I couldn't even fathom a future. It was literally, at times, hour by hour, even minute by minute. "I feel like I am the sickest I have ever been and nothing in the medicine cabinet will help me" are words I recently found scribbled in a journal from last summer.
14 months later and I find myself still with that exact same feeling. It truly is like an amputation. I will never not feel like something is missing.
Because something is. Someone is.
All this love I have for him just didn't go away on July 4, 2012. His death didn't stop me from being his mom. The need to do something for him is still there. The desire to talk about him, the stories to share about him are as present now as they were July 3, 2012.
I've caught myself, a few times, reminiscing with others about Noah and his antics and realize I think I just told this story a few weeks ago. To others the stories will be the same ones over and over as the years go by.
To me, they are all I have.
His memory is what I hold onto to...I guess that's why I'm always reminding others he lived. Stories of how he was all boy. How he was so fun. And he was mine.
So....I look for ways I can do something, anything for him now, and I know it's not really him I am doing it for. It's for me. It's helps me deal. It helps me cope. It helps me heal.
Noah loved being outside. He would have rather been outside playing, biking or on the baseball field than anywhere else. He also took up gardening and landscaping those last few months. He was slowly learning to see and appreciate God's creative beauty around us.
Often he would surprise me with flowers and be so gentlemen-like when he presented them to me. Look at him in this picture. He has the best hair. He has the brownest eyes and had the tannest skin. Had/has. Which do I use. If only I could go back to this minute...this moment....
Actually being outside with him, watching him play, watching him work are some of the last memories I have with him.
But the mother in me still wants to be able to do something for him. So recently, as I sat looking at his and Nate's completed monuments, I felt a desire to beautify the earth surrounding the distinctive stones just as Noah had beautified the flower gardens in our backyard in the weeks before he was taken away.
So we cleaned...
And we shined...
And we (ok, they) prepared the ground.
And we mulched and planted...
And, in doing something that Noah had come to enjoy, we helped each other heal.
A few months ago I mentioned, at the end of one of my blogposts, the difficulty in deciding on a headstone. As a parent there are many scenarios that play out in your mind as you journey through parenthood. "What will I do for my child's birthday? What school is best for my child? Is homeschool or public/private school right for my child? What is the best method for discipline?" These are just to name a few. The list can be endless and I was definitely one who tried to explore every possible situation I might face as a parent. Yes, I was (and still am) a thinker and a worrier.
But never did I think about choosing a headstone for one of my children. I remember one time, well before July 4, 2012, waking up sobbing after dreaming about losing someone close to me. I recalled the dream later and remember thinking, "how would I ever deal with the loss of one of my children?" I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind not even being able to comprehend it. Not wanting to comprehend it and went on about my day.
So many decisions had to be made just days after Noah's death. "Would we do one service for Noah and Nate? What music do we play? Who sings? What clothes do we dress him in? Where do we bury them? Do we see Noah or is that too much?" We were a young family who, besides the fact we were not emotionally ready, we were not financially ready for any of it.
I will be very honest. I was probably the least one prepared for any of this and I had no reasoning about me. To say that I was mentally "out of it" would be an understatement. I couldn't make any decision. Choices were made for me and no one knew if it was right or wrong but who knew what was the right thing to do at time like that. It was like we were all operating in a fog not being able to see very far ahead. There was no rule book for us to go by and then, even if there was, one had to factor in all the emotions that followed our situation. So many people involved. So many feelings carried over and were intensified by Noah's and Nate's deaths.
Fast forward months later and as time went on I got a little bit stronger in many areas of my life. In my parenting, in my ministry, in my relationships and most importantly, in my own spiritual journey. I still am not anywhere I was a few years ago but I've come to realize that may not be such a bad thing. I don't have to balance a million things at one time. I don't have to pretend to have it all together. I am becoming who, I believe, I was meant to be. Faults, failure, a few successes and all.
But there was still the headstone issue and, for lack of a better term, it kind of hung over us. I wasn't ready to memorialize him in such a permanent way. And I'm still not...but it had to be done. It needed to be done. For Noah, for his family...and for closure in this aspect. At home, I wanted some sort of rememberance of Noah for us. So we created our own little memorial for him and that was very appropriate...but still......
A headstone had to be ordered.
It had to be decided on. Words that would last forever needed to be chosen. Scripture that represented Noah,his life, his faith, his family's faith. It was time and it was left up to the two people who knew and loved him best and there was no avoiding it, sooner or later, it had to be done.
But how?
How do you sum up Noah's life on a piece of stone so that years and years later people will get some sort of idea of him and know how much fun he was. How much he was loved and how he believed? How do I represent him well so that when Haleigh Raye's own family see this they come to understand something about a boy they never knew but is so much a part of their heritage and their life.
I finally decided I can't. I have to do the best I can with the space I have and just hope that people will get some sort of glimpse of the Noah Dean we all knew.
We struggled with this for months. It was thought over, prayed over, discussed over, and, more than once, was a source of frustration. Rough drafts were drawn up and rough drafts were discarded. Too formal. Not formal enough. Wording didn't make sense.
But slowly it evolved.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
This was one of the first verses Noah memorized in AWANA and was probably the last verse Noah wrote just a few weeks before he died and taped it to his bathroom mirror.
He knew it by heart (even if he couldn't quite spell it all correctly.) He knew what it meant. It was written on his heart.
"Butthey who wait for theLordshall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
I love this verse. We included it, not necessarily for Noah, but for us when we visit the Noah we knew. It encourages us to wait and be patient and to put our faith in the Lord and He will renew us and it's true. When I try to do it on my own, I falter and fail. When I ask for strength, that can only come from above and I work from that, I am renewed.
With each birthday, no matter whether it was a family or family and friends party, I always did homemade invitations for the kids. I would make up a cute little poem about them.
They couldn't wait to see what the invitation looked like. I admit I lack in creativity but I did have fun doing them each year and I think they enjoyed it too (or perhaps they enjoyed watching me entertain myself as I spent days thinking of little rhymes.)
As Noah's birthday rolled around this year, I realized that was something I would miss and I wanted to be able to do just one more for him from me. And then it hit me. I can do one more because he is really is having the biggest celebration. The mother of all birthday parties. He's in heaven. How much bigger does it get? So I went to work on a cute little poem for....his headstone.
I wanted to somehow incorporate a verse that has saved me time and time again when I couldn't reign in my emotions and wanted to know why? "Why did this happen? Why was it Noah? Why did you allow it God?"
This is actually my own version and it sits in my living room. It is one of the verses I remember my pastor reciting these words to me very early on. My friends said it to me over and over. We prayed over it so many times and it's on notecards in several places for me to run across as I go about my day. I would cry out to God, "promise me one day I won't be puzzled anymore. I will understand just like Noah does now."
When I asked Haleigh Raye if she wanted any input on the headstone, she answered a very resounding, "NO!" Despite her reluctance to participate, I wanted to make sure she was included somehow and asked her if I could include her signature word, "LOVE!" which is what she says before leaving someone in case something happens to one of them goodbye is not the last word exchanged. With enthusiasm she responded, "YES!"(She actually started saying "LOVE!" before July 4 and one of her biggest regrets with Noah is that was one time she didn't say "LOVE!" but rather "see you in a minute!" Reflecting on her final words to him maybe, when we see him again, it will feel like it's just been a minute.) I knew, with her blessing,we had our last line. It was encouraging, it was positive and we meant it. And this....was our final result.
Nate, no doubt, got his creative talent and artistic abilities from his mom and when she designed Nate's headstone as a Lego Monument, I was grateful she let us use the idea too. Their headstones match and are beautiful. Noah's etching begins this week and should be ready in just a few weeks.
I have no doubt when Noah stood before God he earned the "Well done, good and faithful servant" not only for what he did while he was living but what he continues to do even in death. His memories, his testimony lives on. At 10 years old he left a legacy it takes some people a full lifetime to build up, if that.
Our church used this song when Noah was a baby as we entered the early stages of building our children's building that opens in just a few short weeks. No doubt his and Nate's absence will be felt as we enter those doors for the first time and the years afterwards. But, with all I can and until the Lord calls me elsewhere, I will do my absolute best to carry on a legacy.
Last year one of my fresh start goals for my kids and me was to enjoy the great outdoors and the nature that surrounds us. The first step, for me (with help), was to start with our very own backyard. Noah LOVED anything that had to do with the outside so I was eager to help start anything that might be of interest to him. So, we (with guidance) started our own little garden that Noah Dean enjoyed so very much. He loved planting. He loved watering the flowers. He just loved being active outside and I loved watching him immerse himself in the upkeep of his house and watching him learn. He even bought this little lighthouse (that now lights up my front porch) from Cracker Barrel for decoration in his garden.
The summer, that was upon us, held so much promise...or so we thought. Who knew, at the time of this picture, we would only have Noah Dean just a few more months.
A few months ago we came up with the idea of doing some type of garden in my backyard as a quiet, peaceful place to be able to sit, reflect, enjoy and even to cry. We didn't really know where it would be or what it would look like and I was still so hesitant about doing anything in my backyard so we just held onto the idea till we knew what to do. As we prepare for Noah's headstone to be put in place and as the holiday decorations have come and gone, we took some of the older items from his gravesite home with us. Those things were given in such love and I spent many moments gazing at those items, with so many feelings, as they adorned Noah's final resting place, so we were not quite sure what to do with them once we got them home. Something else we just held onto till we knew what to do. On Noah Dean's birthday, one of my good friends, Buffie Simerly gave me a beautiful white hydrangea in his memory and we just recently planted it. And then everything just came together for a little memorial for Noah. The idea of a garden and the items from the gravesite, both of which we had held on to, and then the hydrangea.
Noah LOVED my dad and LOVED that my dad gave him matchbox cars and a few dollars every now and then so he could buy, for himself, the candy I would hardly ever allow him to have. I brought some of those home to relive the joy he felt when he received something as simple a few dollars and a couple cars.
Last spring Noah and I attended the Chik Fil La Mother/Son Knight Event. He presented me with a Spider Mum. We took it home, put it in a vase and he was so proud of it. That flower was so beautiful and seemed to last forever.
Each Sunday our church has flowers at the altar that families can purchase to remember or honor a loved one. I do this for Noah on his birthday and for July 4. I chose this past Sunday for ours since the Sunday before the church was decorated in July 4 decorations. I didn't make a request for any type of arrangement and to my surprise it was full of Spider Mums and yellow roses (one of Haleigh Raye's favorites.) I took them to the cemetery and brought a few home for us to remember yet another memory.
For so long I couldn't even walk in my backyard without being emotionally overwhelmed by so many memories. From seeing Noah run around as a baby, to closing my eyes and hearing him say, "I can swing myself, Mommy" to his last days of watching him ride his bike around the house over and over...and over and over...thinking those endless summer nights would never end....
I can still look out there and see him now and if I try hard enough and let myself go there, I can see AND hear him...at the same time. A precious privilege I took for granted. This memorial is not right in the middle of the backyard and is not always in plain view. It's off to the side. Just like his memory is to me. Not always seen...but he is always there...just off to the side. So, what better place, then my own backyard, Noah's own backyard, to have a small memorial place for him where I can relive so many memories of days gone by and where new memories are bittersweetly being made.
"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..."
Joel 2:25
This has always been one of my favorite verses. To me, it meant, no matter the strife we face, the hardships we endure, the trials we undergo, they would someday be worth it. We would be rewarded. We would be restored.
This quickly became one of my least favorite verses after last summer.
What had happened was unimaginable and the aftermath that followed was nothing short of complete devastation. I didn't want to go through what I was going through. I didn't want Haleigh Raye or my family to suffer through this unthinkable loss. I remember vividly crying out, "please God don't ask this of me, don't ask this of my family." To this day, I can remember calling my dad from the ER trying to tell him to come to the hospital and I have imagined him a hundred times just setting there enjoying his July 4 and then my call came....
After a few months my mind kept coming back to this verse and I couldn't even fathom how, what had been taken from us, Noah, could be restored. There would never be a replacement for him. There would never be a restoration that could take place.
Reflecting over this past year I feel I have come full circle on so many details about life and have so much to be grateful for.
I have learned what true friendship means. The friends I have gained during this both near and far, the relationships that have been strengthened, the encouragement I have received. They renew me.
Slowly and daily I feel more confident in myself. In my ability to "make it" especially when there were those days I just want to "end it." My life. I have made it my own and accepted what it is and what it will be and still have hopes to what it can be. I have reclaimed it.
My love for Haleigh Raye. Seeing her each day, knowing that she has a full life ahead of her, she needs me, she loves me and I love her and how if I can't be strong for any other reason, I need to be strong for her. I owe it to her. Having her revives me.
His grace. It saves and redeems me. Simple as that.
And His promise of eternity. That...is what will restore the years.
And in just a moment I realize his Legos mean the world to me and I wish I had watched all the moments of his little hands carefully working with them.
And in just a moment I feel how precious anything he had last touched becomes like gold to me and I want to run my fingers up and down and all around to try and feel some connection to his skin or maybe some lingering smell.
And in just a moment I can consume myself with pictures that are priceless treasures no amount of money can buy. I obsess over them taking in every expression, every article of clothing and even every little thing that was in his hand wondering where those things are now.
And in just a moment fear can overtake me when I remember something I have forgotten about him, a phrase he would say, a scar on his face, a toy he had and I wonder to myself, "what else about him has left my memory."
And in just a moment I see kids growing up including Haleigh Raye. She's getting so tall and he's not. What would he have in common with her. With other kids. What would he be doing with them right now. What sport would he be playing in. What toy would he like me to get him. Where exactly is he...? What is he doing right now? Right this minute.
And in just a moment I forget he is gone. I call for him. I grocery shop for him. I look for him.
And in just a moment I realize...I remember.
And in just those moments I experience an unexplainable hurt, solitude and loneliness. I know the ache of being torn between two worlds. His and hers. I know the desire to live out life with Haleigh Raye, to watch her grow up, to guide her on this journey but still wrestling with a longing, a want that I have no control over.
And in just a moment it hits me again and again...the moments she needs from me in life are no longer moments I will be able to give to Noah.
He doesn't need me in anyway form or fashion. He is much better off then any of us here. But it still doesn't make it any easier with the aftermath we are dealing with. I'm trying to understand "the bigger plan." I'm trying to comprehend "it's not for me to know this side." I try to reason with myself. I tell myself I lived 26 years without him and I was just fine. He just was passing through my life and I will be the one who is ok.
And in the next moment, the next breath, still yet, still to this day, there are moments I beg, bargain and barter to have him back with me. With us. It could happen. It's just been a moment. It's just been months since I held him, touched him, texted him...kissed him. Things I took for granted just months ago which, in a moment, has turned into
a year ago.
And in just a moment it won't be months. We will add the words I've come to dread to add for some time now. A year.
It's May. It's been 10 months...and...it's almost Mother's Day. Handprints on handmade cards, breakfast in bed and a day off from household chores are just a few of the sweet touches moms might get on this day and rightly so. Mothers may reflect back on their journey of motherhood and what it has all meant to them. And like all good things the day will come...and the day will go and the daily routine of busyness will set in. But...what if the day comes and goes and the daily routine does not return and one is left trying to remember what the daily routine is and worse than that trying to recall what the daily routine even consisted of. Even though it's been 10 months I still find myself absentmindedly looking for him. Just a few weeks ago I was picking up Haleigh Raye at school and turned to call for him when I saw a brown haired tanned boy walking out the door with his head down. I even had the "Hey No..." out of my mouth...and then the little boy raised his head. And it hit me as it does every time. Noah is gone. Noah is ok, as I reassure myself constantly,...but I remember Noah is gone.
For those of you who have kids remember how you kept your children's first pairs of shoes so you can look back and remember how cute and small their little feet were? Well, I still keep his flips flops laying at the front door. At times I will find myself slipping them on to go out to the mailbox.
They just look good there. They look normal there. I'm not ready to move them and I don't know when or if I ever will be. How ironic the thing (ok, he was all boy, one of the MANY things) I always had to nag him about was picking up his shoes and getting them to his room. And now I am the one who always leaves his shoes out. I will remember him slipping on these shoes and running out the door. I will remember what size his ever so cute little feet were his last days.
I still keep all the things he used in the mornings to get ready by my bed. I like to look up at them knowing he touched them.
I laugh now because sometimes he would over indulge in these to the point the smell would make me sick. Now, I'm glad that smell was so strong. I will remember all those mornings watching him getting ready and the smell that would linger in the car even when he got out. I find such peace reading back through the devotion book we were working through that Haleigh Raye was always so intent on us doing together at night.
I will remember our bedtime routines and things we talked about last.
And my favorite. This video. I love to watch this video over and over and over and over. It's the best and most lasting Mother's Day present that could have been bestowed upon me and it truly is priceless. I will remember the times we had, the love we shared and most of all I will remember the promise of us being together again one day.
I love you both too! I love you to heaven and back and I know exactly what that means now. I can't wait to see you all hold hands together again. I can't wait till you both are dancing and singing all our silly songs and then...then no more remembering. It will just be a time of living in the present.
(This video was made sometime in June probably just 3 weeks before Noah died. They were about to leave for a spur of the moment trip and I was a nervous wreck and I kept having a nagging sensation something was going to happen.But then again, I always worried about something happening to them. It occurred to me to get their voices and motions on video singing our favorite song. I loved making up silly songs with them. Some stuck some didn't. This one did and we sang it at least once a day the past couple of years. It was a made up cheesy song...but it was our song and we LOVED it. If you don't video your kids, I urge you to do it now...and do it often.)
