After Noah's death people were telling me how therapeutic it would be for me to journal my thoughts and feelings. I looked at them, smiled politely but secretly thought, "My thoughts? I don't even know what my thoughts are. They are so scattered and don't make sense to me how could I ever get them down on paper." But then there's this social media we all know as Facebook and it became such a outlet for me and a connection to a community of people who I have no doubt carried me personally through my darkest hour and made my burden somewhat lighter by thinking of us, caring for us and most importantly by praying for us. I was amazed (and still am) at the outpouring of love and support shown. As we were making arrangements for the funeral somehow I can recall thinking, "Noah was only 10. Did he know enough people to even come? Would he just be someone that passed through this earth that no one would know or remember?" Humbly, now, I smile at that because Noah has made more of an impact in his 10 years than many people do in a lifetime and I have made it my mission for people to not only know about Noah and his spunky personality but to know where Noah is now and how I have come to somewhat of an understanding and acceptance that Noah doesn't need me now. I need him more than he could ever need me. I can mourn, I can grieve and I can cry for him but I still have to live. I have to live for my daughter, I have to live for myself and most importantly I have to live for God. I have no idea why I'm on this journey and it goes without saying it is not one I voluntarily signed up for. But I am and I have a choice to either turn away and be bitter or accept and embrace this new normal.
And the conscious decision I've made to accept and embrace is what has led me here. To write and to share. As I was trying to create a name for my blog nothing just jumped out at me until recently when I came across the quote I have above. I didn't remember until after my heart was set on it that Nicholas Sparks has a book about a main character losing his wife titled, "A Bend in the Road." While there may be some similarities and I do enjoy Nicholas Sparks books this title stemmed more from Lewis and his writing entitled, "A Grief Observed." I also looked up the definition of bend and found these two definitions:
bend - to bring something into a state of tension or to force to assume a different direction or shape
When I asked someone very close to me who has shared much of my journey up close and personal what they thought of this blog name their response was one of questioning whether bend was a strong enough word for what I had been through. I carefully thought about and finally came to the conclusion there are no words strong enough for what I've gone through and is another reason I write. I write to give words to the bends in the road we all face, the twists and turns of fate that can sometimes bring us to our knees or having us shouting with joy. I don't pretend to know what anyone is experiencing but bottom line is we all have a road we are on. There are bumps in the road, our feet get heavy and some of us may not even know where our road is leading. But for me I know that there aren't many things guaranteed and unchanging in this world but there is one thing that is guaranteed, hasn't changed and is at the end of the road I'm traveling and that is God. And there isn't a day goes by that I am thankful that at the end of Noah's journey...at the end of Noah's road was the God of yesterday, today and tomorrow. And that same road that has ended for Noah is the road I'm on...the road to Noah Dean...the road to God...despite the road I'm traveling my destination has not changed. It's only become more inviting, more clear, more real and it has become just what my blog says..."A Bend in the Road."