The Memory of Moments Gone By are the Memories that Keep Us Forging Ahead

Another 4th is upon us and February is here. It feels like it came out of nowhere. I mean it shouldn't really. As soon as the Christmas decorations were down in retail stores Valentine's Day decorations went up. Of course, in my house, Valentine's Day became a thing of the past when 2002 rolled around for that is the day Noah Dean made his presence into this life. Memories are abundant all year round but especially so during this time. 

Memories of birthdays celebrated. 

Memories of smiles, laughters and lots of presents.

And how could I ever not embrace the moment of the first time I met him. 

Yes, at 1:06…IN THE MORNING!

I was there to welcome him into this world

And I was there when we told him goodbye. 

There wasn't enough time in between. 

At times I'm so angry at the negligence and haphazard approach that took Noah's life. 

Other times I'm so focused and my path is clear.

Then I find myself in anguish because, while it is fulfilling to be able to make changes and save lives, it hurts to know I couldn't save my own son when he needed me. 

But, at times like now, when I should be shopping and party planning, all I know is that

I miss Noah and I want him home. Where I am. Now. 
Not where I will be later on for eternity.  

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if I am on a spiral am I going up or down. - C.S. Lewis



Noah Dean Winstead 

2-14-2002 - 7-4-2012

Noah, 

A million things I wish I could say to you. Your legacy remains. Your testimony lives on. You've done more through your life and death than some people do in a lifetime. The world missed out on you leaving us so soon. I will do all I can to take care of your sister (she's all teenager now though so keep that in mind.) I saw the love and protection you had over her and you continue to do that even in death. I love all my preschoolers at church. I try to pour into them so much. I remember you and your sister during those times. Those are the years, with you, that were not stolen from me. 

There is so much emptiness with you gone but I will work towards fulfilling that…all in your memory and all in your honor. When I didn't think I could love and miss you more I wake up to a new day and I do. When you see me smile and laugh your memory isn't far for I do believe that is when you are closest. 

Happy Birthday son. I wish I was celebrating with you but there are things to do and miles to go before I sleep and, for now, we have our love, we have our memories and…I will meet you in my dreams.  

Love, 

Mom

And onward we go....

And a year has come....and a year has gone and onward we go.

Many, MANY times I get responses from people saying, "I just don't know what to say to you" or "words don't seem adequate." And now...that is the feeling I am left with when reflecting on friends (even those I have never met) and family who remembered us yesterday and the entire past year. Whatever way it was, it was yours and it is deeply and humbly appreciated and accepted. I tried to respond to each and every one and as the day wore on and as emotions became more uncontrollable within me, I couldn't seem to muster the energy up but please know that I read every single one of them and they carried us through our day.

I have to say a HUGE thank you to my friends who didn't even think twice about picking up and traveling with me anywhere I chose and doing whatever I felt like I needed to do and even getting me a birthday cake. (But luckily they knew me well enough that I DID NOT want a "Happy Birthday" song) so we just set around like good friends do and shared chocolate cake. Well, those that like chocolate did.

Our whirlwind adventure these past two days concluded last night with family and friends gathering at my parents' house and, at the end of the day, I felt so blessed.

To someone who has became one of my closest friends this past year, Angela, whose story can be found here, "We made it!!!" and I am so proud of you and so thankful you had the courage to knock on my door one night and I'm even more glad you stayed around even when I shut the door on you while I was trying to figure out exactly who you were.

Tomorrow is July 6 and will be my second birthday without Noah. I now know what his absence in my life feels like. I have an idea of the feelings I will experience throughout my lifetime now.

So, I'm almost at a point wondering what is next. What do I blog about now? I'm a worrier and someone who pre-dreads everything. Now that all the first anniversaries are over with, what will I worry about? What will I dread next? Am I going to let the worry and fear overcome me and not try to live my life and overlook the good that is before me.


Once, when I was so convinced that I might lose Haleigh Raye I couldn't even concentrate or enjoy the setting I was in, I was asked this, "Did you ever worry about something happening to Noah and Haleigh Raye before July 4, 2012?" My response was, "why, yes, of course I did." I was then asked, "and how did all that worrying help you cope with the loss of Noah. Did it make it any easier? Did it do anything for you other than taking away the precious time you were spending in worry?" Of course, the answer was no. There was not much of anything that helped with the loss of Noah except just learning to live through it and I don't think the dreading or worrying about the next tragedy in my life will help me deal with it any better. So why let myself get to that point. I totally understand that is something that can be easier said than done but, with faith, mental discipline and support, I believe it can be done and I am proof of it.

So...onward we go. I have found my passions in life and I'm ready to immerse myself in those.

• I want to share my faith with people, however God uses me to do that, I am willing and I am ready. 

• I want to share Noah's testimony and keep his memory alive as best I can while at the same time not living in the past.  

• I want to watch Haleigh Raye grow up and guide her to the best of my abilities and make her feel so loved and show her she is #1. Because, to me, she is. 

• I want to be an encourager to friends, acquaintances and strangers. I want to be the best friend to those who surrounded me this past year. I want to look people in the eye, listen to their story, reflecting on how far a kind word can carry someone and remember most of us are one of three different type of people. There are those who coming right out of a storm, those who are in the middle of a storm or those about to go through a storm. 

• And, finally, my pursuit to make changes and educate others. I won't ever forget what took Noah away from us and it didn't have to be this way. Something has to happen. My goal is to make sure it does. 

I understand, with the help of others, "We made it this far. And I won't let all this pain we suffered through for be in vain and with all I have in me I will make sure Noah Dean lives on in different ways."

The ending of one of my favorite poems I remember memorizing in middle school sums my goals up.  "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep."

So onward we go. 

He will restore the years....

"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." 

Joel 2:25 

This has always been one of my favorite verses. To me, it meant, no matter the strife we face, the hardships we endure, the trials we undergo, they would someday be worth it. We would be rewarded. We would be restored.

This quickly became one of my least favorite verses after last summer. 

What had happened was unimaginable and the aftermath that followed was nothing short of complete devastation.  I didn't want to go through what I was going through. I didn't want Haleigh Raye or my family to suffer through this unthinkable loss. I remember vividly crying out, "please God don't ask this of me, don't ask this of my family." To this day, I can remember calling my dad from the ER trying to tell him to come to the hospital and I have imagined him a hundred times just setting there enjoying his July 4 and then my call came....

After a few months my mind kept coming back to this verse and I couldn't even fathom how, what had been taken from us, Noah, could be restored. There would never be a replacement for him. There would never be a restoration that could take place. 

Reflecting over this past year I feel I have come full circle on so many details about life and have so much to be grateful for. 

I have learned what true friendship means. The friends I have gained during this both near and far, the relationships that have been strengthened, the encouragement I have received. They renew me. 

Slowly and daily I feel more confident in myself. In my ability to "make it" especially when there were those days I just want to "end it." My life. I have made it my own and accepted what it is and what it will be and still have hopes to what it can be. I have reclaimed it. 

My love for Haleigh Raye. Seeing her each day, knowing that she has a full life ahead of her, she needs me, she loves me and I love her and how if I can't be strong for any other reason, I need to be strong for her. I owe it to her. Having her revives me.

 
His grace. It saves and redeems me. Simple as that. 

And His promise of eternity. That...is what will restore the years. 

And in just a moment

And in just a moment I realize his Legos mean the world to me and I wish I had watched all the moments of his little hands carefully working with them.

And in just a moment I feel how precious anything he had last touched becomes like gold to me and I want to run my fingers up and down and all around to try and feel some connection to his skin or maybe some lingering smell.

And in just a moment I can consume myself with pictures that are priceless treasures no amount of money can buy. I obsess over them taking in every expression, every article of clothing and even every little thing that was in his hand wondering where those things are now.

And in just a moment fear can overtake me when I remember something I have forgotten about him, a phrase he would say, a scar on his face, a toy he had and I wonder to myself, "what else about him has left my memory."

And in just a moment I see kids growing up including Haleigh Raye. She's getting so tall and he's not. What would he have in common with her. With other kids. What would he be doing with them right now. What sport would he be playing in. What toy would he like me to get him. Where exactly is he...? What is he doing right now? Right this minute.

And in just a moment I forget he is gone. I call for him. I grocery shop for him. I look for him.

And in just a moment I realize...I remember.

And in just those moments I experience an unexplainable hurt, solitude and loneliness. I know the ache of being torn between two worlds. His and hers. I know the desire to live out life with Haleigh Raye, to watch her grow up, to guide her on this journey but still wrestling with a longing, a want that I have no control over.

And in just a moment it hits me again and again...the moments she needs from me in life are no longer moments I will be able to give to Noah.

He doesn't need me in anyway form or fashion.  He is much better off then any of us here. But it still doesn't make it any easier with the aftermath we are dealing with. I'm trying to understand "the bigger plan." I'm trying to comprehend "it's not for me to know this side." I try to reason with myself. I tell myself I lived 26 years without him and I was just fine. He just was passing through my life and I will be the one who is ok.

And in the next moment, the next breath, still yet, still to this day, there are moments I beg, bargain and barter to have him back with me. With us. It could happen. It's just been a moment. It's just been months since I held him, touched him, texted him...kissed him. Things I took for granted just months  ago which, in a moment, has turned into

a year ago.

And in just a moment it won't be months.  We will add the words I've come to dread to add for some time now. A year.

 A year without Noah Dean.

9 months then...9 months now

9 months today. I could ask myself where the time has gone but I know. I know where every hour and sometimes where every second has gone. It's been full of missing you. 9 months. For 9 long months I carried you, awaited and prepared for your arrival. I wondered about your life. I imagined what you would look like.  What color your hair would be? Would you even have any hair? What would be your first words? What would you do all day? How would your life impact my life, our community and maybe even our world? Would you be a doctor or a lawyer? Maybe you would enter the ministry. I prayed that you would become a believer and you would change lives and change hearts. I just knew you would. You had already changed mine and, along with your sister, you completed me. Daily people would tell me how you would change my life and my heart. Everyday for 9 months I found myself telling you hello until you could join me in my world. I knew there would be so much of you to share...but I had to wait.

9 long months and I have found myself asking those very same questions in an entirely different way. What do you look like in heaven? Are you the same as I knew you? Will I recognize you immediately? What color is your hair in heaven? Do you even have hair in heaven? If so, is it that sandy brown? Does it turn blondish in the light that they say heaven is full of? Do you still have those big brown eyes that I never took for granted. What were you first words when you stepped over? Were you in awe like they say we will be? What do you do all day? Oh, Noah, there are so many times I long to be right there with you feeling what you experience seeing what you see...but I have to wait.

9 months. In 9 months there are many things I've learned about your life here on earth. You didn't need to live 50 years to make a difference. You did it on your own with your undeniable boyish look, your love of life, your smile and most of all...most importantly of all...your testimony. You entered the ministry all right. Your life was and has become a ministry to so many and especially to me. Not many parents get to see the fruition of their child's testimony come to life but I have. Daily for 9 months at least one person tells me their story and how they heard about you, how you changed their life...how you changed their heart. For 9 months I have found myself sharing about you, back to wondering about you and telling you goodbye all at the same time until I can join you in your world...but I have to wait. 

My best friend sent this video to me last night. Briefly I thought it was going to be just another sad video about death, losing a child and all that goes with it...well it was all that with a very special, unexpected addition. I hope you can watch it in its entirety so you can see why.