Monday, November 11, 2013

I miss Noah. And I want him home.

I miss Noah. 

And I want him home. 

And I don't think it is getting any easier. 

I don't want him running on streets of gold. 

I want him on the streets in front of my house. 

I don't want him to be in his eternal home. 

I want him in my home. 

I don't need him to be my guardian angel in heaven. 

I want to be his guardian parent on earth. 

You know, like how it's supposed to be. 

Job loss, divorce, arguments…those can be overcome and maybe even, in some cases, rectified. 

The loss of Noah will never, ever seem anything but unfair. 

Who deals these cards anyway? Was someone watching when I would play, "I can only imagine" as his lullaby night after night knowing years later that very song would play at his funeral? And how many people can say, when casually listening to the radio, "oh hey, that was played at my son's funeral" and be confronted with bits and pieces from that day. Yay for us for picking popular and comforting songs. But could I go one day and not hear one? When I bought the swimming trunks he wanted was it known somewhere that he would die in those?

All the boy wanted to do was jump off into the lake and swim and play. So did three other kids that day. How many millions of people have done that prior? How many millions have done that afterwards?

And to be electrocuted? Seriously? That's how it had to be? A finality of death associated with murderers. Not four children. 

When will accountability take place? Acknowledgement? 

But, in the end, even if all these questions are answered and closure commences, this fact will forever remain.

I miss Noah

And I want him home. 

Oh and grief? I'm over it..and I want it gone. "Hey, fate. How about a trade." 


  1. I may be going thru a tough time right now...and I am ashame of myself my tough time is nothing to what you think or imagine or dream I'm sorry...your stories have helped and.lifted up a lot...and no welll never understandy why? Why noah why not tje drunk down the street...or drug addicted person beside...we will never know all answers to our questions but know this you are giifted loving person and have wonderful daughter...just know when u hurt we hurt with you..when u cry we cry with you...keep putting ur feelings on here cause we don't know how someone day is...again I'm sorry I hope you have a blessed day and I know there days you don't feel like being blessed but you are.....God Bless

  2. To anonymous ...the 18 yr old drunk. boy who died crashing hid car into the street and the 24 yr old girl who took an accidental overdose ...they were children too..both someones child ...every day s mother unexpectedly can lose a child hurts no less matter what the circumstances .

  3. Maybe God called him home because he was saved but the drunk down the street or the girl that overdosed was not saved and God let them live so they could accept Christ as their Savior before it was too late. No parent should ever have to bury a child, that is something I would never wish on anyone but we have to put it all in Gods hands. You and your family are in my prayers.

  4. My heart feels like it is breaking after just reading your post. Did you ever consider that this was just a horrible accident and that God did not "want" him to die? It is hard to believe that our God so full of love and grace would want a child to die. We are given free will -- too bad that free will includes an act of the owners of that facility did not do what they should to ensure all were safe. I truly feel in my heart that God feels your pain....that he is trying through your friends and even people you do not know yet, to try to help you fill the void. I feel you are such a blessing to others even though you may not realize it. You have touched so many lives through this blog, your church and this community. As I'm sure you know we are meant to know all the answers to what happens here on earth. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

  5. Jess, I so understand where you are coming from. I find myself thinking those same words a lot, "I miss my boy and I want him home". I have shouted those words out loud and waited, praying that in some crazy way, he could hear me and walk thru the door. But there is never a sound,- no voice yelling, mom, I'm hungry, no feet stomping up the stairs, no incredible smile lighting up the room, jus silence and the tears running down my face. I hear your pain,my friend. May God give those of us going thru this painful loss some moments of peace. May He bless you and your family. <3 Keeping you in prayer,my friend, Catherine

  6. Jess, I ask every day for Michael to come home! "I am ready for him to come home" as if he has been away at student council camp or something. I still have not come to reality and I don't think I ever will. Some people never recover from a loss of a child and I have come to the conclusion, that I am one of those people!...Amy Cunningham

  7. I kno how much u hurt. I miss my harris. He was 9 weeks old when a monster called his baby sitter felt like she would smother him because he was crying is the assumption...I miss him .did god kno that I would have the rest of my life to miss him is that why I never put him down until I had to leave him with her... I kno how u feel.......

  8. Btw I'm from Morristown....just transplanted to sc