What I will remember on this Mother's Day and probably every other day

It's May. It's been 10 months...and...it's almost Mother's Day. Handprints on handmade cards, breakfast in bed and a day off from household chores are just a few of the sweet touches moms might get on this day and rightly so. Mothers may reflect back on their journey of motherhood and what it has all meant to them. And like all good things the day will come...and the day will go and the daily routine of busyness will set in. But...what if the day comes and goes and the daily routine does not return and one is left trying to remember what the daily routine is and worse than that trying to recall what the daily routine even consisted of. 

Even though it's been 10 months I still find myself absentmindedly looking for him. Just a few weeks ago I was picking up Haleigh Raye at school and turned to call for him when I saw a brown haired tanned boy walking out the door with his head down. I even had the "Hey No..." out of my mouth...and then the little boy raised his head. And it hit me as it does every time. Noah is gone. Noah is ok, as I reassure myself constantly,...but I remember Noah is gone. 

For those of you who have kids remember how you kept your children's first pairs of shoes so you can look back and remember how cute and small their little feet were? Well, I still keep his flips flops laying at the front door. At times I will find myself slipping them on to go out to the mailbox. 

They just look good there. They look normal there. I'm not ready to move them and I don't know when or if I ever will be. How ironic the thing (ok, he was all boy, one of the MANY things) I always had to nag him about was picking up his shoes and getting them to his room. And now I am the one who always leaves his shoes out. I will remember him slipping on these shoes and running out the door. I will remember what size his ever so cute little feet were his last days. 

I still keep all the things he used in the mornings to get ready by my bed. I like to look up at them knowing he touched them. 

I laugh now because sometimes he would over indulge in these to the point the smell would make me sick. Now, I'm glad that smell was so strong. I   will remember all those mornings watching him getting ready and the smell that would linger in the car even when he got out. 

I find such peace reading back through the devotion book we were working through that Haleigh Raye was always so intent on us doing together at night. 

I will remember our bedtime routines and things we talked about last. 

And my favorite. This video. I love to watch this video over and over and over and over. It's the best and most lasting Mother's Day present that could have been bestowed upon me and it truly is priceless. I will remember the times we had, the love we shared and most of all I will remember the promise of us being together again one day. 

I love you both too! I love you to heaven and back and I know exactly what that means now. I can't wait to see you all hold hands together again. I can't wait till you both are dancing and singing all our silly songs and then...then no more remembering. It will just be a time of living in the present. 

(This video was made sometime in June probably just 3 weeks before Noah died. They were about to leave for a spur of the moment trip and I was a nervous wreck and I kept having a nagging sensation something was going to happen.But then again, I always worried about something happening to them.  It occurred to me to get their voices and motions on video singing our favorite song. I loved making up silly songs with them. Some stuck some didn't. This one did and we sang it at least once a day the past couple of years. It was a made up cheesy song...but it was our song and we LOVED it.  If you don't video your kids, I urge you to do it now...and do it often.)

To all moms out there, 

"Happy Happy Mother's Day!"