We adjust and we learn, we embrace or we endure

Grief, at times, does allow us to enjoy the memory of a moment gone by or the feeling of a dream of the deceased one. Somewhere in that, however, we realize that feeling won't last forever.

When I have described my grief I always say 

"It's like being the sickest one has ever been and going to the medicine cabinet or to the doctor and knowing nothing can make the pain go away."

As one begins to heal and learn to cope with (or become numb to) the pain, it is also realized that this moment of pain won't last forever. 

In grief, in joy, in hurt, even in times of indifference moments don't last forever. 

It is up to us to adjust and learn to embrace or endure the moments we are given. 

The Memory of Moments Gone By are the Memories that Keep Us Forging Ahead

Another 4th is upon us and February is here. It feels like it came out of nowhere. I mean it shouldn't really. As soon as the Christmas decorations were down in retail stores Valentine's Day decorations went up. Of course, in my house, Valentine's Day became a thing of the past when 2002 rolled around for that is the day Noah Dean made his presence into this life. Memories are abundant all year round but especially so during this time. 

Memories of birthdays celebrated. 

Memories of smiles, laughters and lots of presents.

And how could I ever not embrace the moment of the first time I met him. 

Yes, at 1:06…IN THE MORNING!

I was there to welcome him into this world

And I was there when we told him goodbye. 

There wasn't enough time in between. 

At times I'm so angry at the negligence and haphazard approach that took Noah's life. 

Other times I'm so focused and my path is clear.

Then I find myself in anguish because, while it is fulfilling to be able to make changes and save lives, it hurts to know I couldn't save my own son when he needed me. 

But, at times like now, when I should be shopping and party planning, all I know is that

I miss Noah and I want him home. Where I am. Now. 
Not where I will be later on for eternity.  

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if I am on a spiral am I going up or down. - C.S. Lewis



Noah Dean Winstead 

2-14-2002 - 7-4-2012

Noah, 

A million things I wish I could say to you. Your legacy remains. Your testimony lives on. You've done more through your life and death than some people do in a lifetime. The world missed out on you leaving us so soon. I will do all I can to take care of your sister (she's all teenager now though so keep that in mind.) I saw the love and protection you had over her and you continue to do that even in death. I love all my preschoolers at church. I try to pour into them so much. I remember you and your sister during those times. Those are the years, with you, that were not stolen from me. 

There is so much emptiness with you gone but I will work towards fulfilling that…all in your memory and all in your honor. When I didn't think I could love and miss you more I wake up to a new day and I do. When you see me smile and laugh your memory isn't far for I do believe that is when you are closest. 

Happy Birthday son. I wish I was celebrating with you but there are things to do and miles to go before I sleep and, for now, we have our love, we have our memories and…I will meet you in my dreams.  

Love, 

Mom