Noah Dean and Nate Act

Often I will get an email through my blog asking questions about Noah and what happened to him and his friend Nate.  I post regularly on my Facebook what is going on with things in our life that I forget there is other people who stumble across my blog so I wanted to put an update about things going on. We've had a busy, busy spring to say the least.

To make a long story short it took me a long time to process what happened to Noah. Once that started sinking in I wanted to learn more especially when I realized this could have been prevented. I became a board member of Electric Shock Drowning Prevention Association.  This put us in touch with another parent who was working on a legislation in their state of West Virginia to help make marinas safer. Once I saw their bill signed into a law I immediately wanted to do something similar in Tennessee.

A lot of people think a wire was hanging in the water and that is what killed Noah and Nate but that is not actually the case. The boat the boys were swimming around was leaking too much electricity from improper wiring. The boat was plugged into the marina which had no grounding and that is one of the basic elements of electricity safety. So, in essence, the problem was with the boat and the responsibility fell to the marina. The marina should have had a GFCI (ground fault circuit interruptor) to shut off the flow of electricity once the level became too high. It didn't. The boat had numerous faults as well.

While it can be hard to educate every single boat owner about proper wiring we started with the marinas to make them safer across the state. Some marinas wanted to participate in this and actually install more safety measures. Some didn't. That is where the legislation became important.

We worked with TVA, TWRA, our local representatives and the Dept of Commerce and drafted a bill. Over a year of negotiations took place with all sides having to compromise. I even had the chance to go speak at the Senate in favor of our bill when I felt we were losing ground due to money.

After a year long effort, we passed the house and the senate. A copy of our bill, along with the votes and videos, can be found here.

Just recently we had our official governor signing of the Noah Dean and Nate Act. It was definitely a bittersweet day.

I am still amazed at how far we came in such a short amount of time but I feel this was a process God was most definitely a part of. There were doors that were opened for us and all we had to do was simply walk through. As scared and as afraid of failure as I was I obeyed His lead and slowly realized I was just a vessel to what He could do.

We hope our bill educates others who are avid lake lovers. It is still our desire to keep educating others about the do's and don't's of lake safety. Most importantly, we hope Noah's and Nate's testimony is shared. Their love of life, their love of family and friends and their childlike faith that secured their eternal future.

If you have any questions about ESD or any other related information please don't hesitate to contact me by clicking on my name on the home page.

And we continue on...

It's been almost 2 years since I received the phone call that changed my life, my faith and my focus. 

The days and months that followed were a blur and there were so many times I wanted to give up and give in. But there was something in me that just wasn't quite ready to do that as tempting as it sounded. 

So I decided, despite the circumstances, to continue on.

Maybe it was a desire to preserve even in the face of adversity.

Maybe it was the stubbornness in me to show those that doubted me, as a person and as a mother.

Maybe it was a legal battle I was in the middle of that I was willing to see to the end. 

Quite possibly it was the determination to do something more with Noah and his legacy so that he would not be forgotten and be more than "that boy that was electrocuted on a holiday at the lake."

Perhaps, most importantly, it was my daughter who didn't die and would look at me with questionable eyes wondering if she would lose me next. 

Most assuredly it was a combination of all those. I would love to say my journey was full of faith from day one. But...I can't...because it wasn't.

Oh, there was faith and there was trust but there wasn't the complete willingness to hand over my life to God completely and, without that, there was little God could do with someone like me. 

My faith is still, very much, a work in progress. I'm learning more and more every day and I am AMAZED at the doors God has opened for us. During this time we have had burdens on our hearts that we just couldn't ignore and wouldn't go away. From passing a VERY COMPLICATED PIECE OF LEGISLATION to working with local non profit organization to do a fundraiser and at the same time do a memorial video to Noah and Nate before Sidewalk Prophets took the stage and even bringing them to Cornerstone Academy to meet Noah's and Nate's class who helped with the garden and bench in their memory. 

We've been able to educate boating officers, marinas and I've even went back to do a few things I did pre July 4th, 2012 and...it felt good. Hard, at first, but good. 

When I say AMAZED I mean AMAZED, IN AWE and sometimes I stand with my mouth wide open at what has been accomplished. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we were just a vessel for Him and had I not handed over that control I can't help but wonder where I would be. 

I've got some mighty prayers warriors that I rely on especially when there is something very specific I am praying for. One of them sent me this verse last year and declared it for me on my behalf. 

I laughed at first thinking how in the world can I be used. I'm broken, I'm a sinner and I've fallen such short of the grace that has been doled out to me. 

But if I thought I was anymore than I'd be cutting God short on what He does best. 

Making something out of nothing for His glory. 

There are so many things I don't understand about my life and why I am where I am. But there is now a peace and that is what I rest in. 

This weekend I start a new chapter in my life. I am so excited (a little nervous) but more than anything I am so anxious to see what God is going to do next because I know I will do all I can to pray myself through to stay in the center of His will and, in the end, Noah's there waiting. Just like his headstone says "our puzzled hearts will soon be replaced when we see your big brown eyes and smiling face." I can see and hear him now, "Moooommm! This place is so cool! There is so much to show you!" And all those questions, all those "why's", all those "what if's" won't even matter. There will be a new life to live and "the old world, with all its tumults and troubles, will have passed away."

But for now...we must continue on. 

Mary was all in...Am I all in?

Standing near the cross was Jesus's mother - John 19:25

I think about Mary. A lot. And especially with it being Easter weekend I think of her more and more.  As a mother, I try to imagine what thoughts went through her mind as she experienced God's work first hand time and time again. 

No matter the task, no matter what was ahead, no matter what she had just went through Mary was "all in" for God's plan. 

She gave of herself, of her family, her own son. 

And she was still "all in."

I have often wondered, after the angel appeared to her, did she really know what was going to be asked of her for the rest of her life. 

Probably not. But that didn't matter. 

Because she was still "all in." 

Oh, if I had the "all in", that Mary did. 

Her appearances in the Bible are limited so it can be hard to get to know Mary. But what a testimony Mary carried on as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. She was willing to follow through with God's plan for her life no matter what it would cost her and cost her it did. From going through the disgrace as a unwed mother to caring for the Son of God in a day to day manner. She was there when he was born and she was there when He died. Her life had much honor but with it came much suffering.

Am I willing to be "all in" for God's plan? So many times I say I am open to whatever God has in store for me but in the back of my mind I am putting that into a neat little box that looks and feels good and I am limiting what works can be done in my life. 

And by doing that, I'm not really "all in." I've got one foot in and one foot out trying to balance myself and hearing myself say, "Here I am God. I will do this, this and this but don't ask me to do that because I can't." 

I want to strive to be "all in." God chose Mary because He knew she was "all in" and in it for the long haul.

How many times have I missed out on a call for my own life because I wasn't really "all in."

 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." - Ephesians 3:20

Hold on...Sunday is Coming

Today was the first day I have had in a long with not a list of items that needed to be taken care of immediately. What a week we have had. Our bill, the Noah Dean and Nate Act (which I will blog about soon so everyone understands exactly what the bill says) was just passed unanimously in both the TN House and the Senate. Then we were off to speak at a boating conference in Nashville, TN about Electric Shock Drowning, which is what took my son's life. 

For so many months after Noah died I was scared to learn what happened to Noah. The words electricity and electrocution kept coming up and I had these horrible, horrible visions in my head and all I wanted to do was push them as far away as I possibly could. I was in that childlike state of mind that "if I don't think about it, it didn't happen." 

Well, of course, like most things in life we usually try to run from, what really happened that day caught up to me. Reality without Noah was setting in and I began to read more news reports and hear more information about that day. About that same time TWRA had closed their investigation of our case and they met with me over their findings. Then I met my friend, Angela, who also lost two children in the lake on July 4th in Missouri. I believe all those happened in a sequence of events that showed me God was at work. I can't imagine them happening any sooner or any later. If they had, I don't think we would be where we are today. 

And today, well today feels good, not great and not just ok, but good. That feeling helps me reflect on what I've learned these past 21 months without Noah. And I hope with all I have in me these feelings are ones I never, ever forget because these 3 things, along with many others, have helped to sustain me:

Trust. Trust can be questionable. Trust can be broken. But trust can be regained. 

Hope. Hope can seem unreachable. Hope can seem lost. But hope can be realized...again. 

Faith. Faith can be wavered. Faith can be shattered. But faith can return. 

And...I don't just mean these in God, even though, all three of these have been very challenged with God for me, I mean these to apply to ourselves, to each other, to life. If a circumstance causes us to lose one of these it's ok I've realized. We just can't lose it forever in everything. We can lose trust in someone that has hurt us but we can't lost trust in all people. We may feel hopeless in a certain situation but we can't feel hopeless in all situations. And faith. Our faith may be challenged like we never dreamed possible like mine was on July 4, 2012 and the months that followed and sometimes this is the hardest of all for me but faith can return and be more to us than it ever was before. I know mine is. 

I still cry. I still have nightmares. I still have those mornings when I wake up where, for a few seconds, I forget he's gone. I still lay in bed some days and just grieve over what is and what should be with Noah. And those are the times I am humbled and I am broken and I remember the One who also can understand and relate to my suffering, my agony and my pain because He felt it too only His was given willingly.

"No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father." 

John 10:18 

As this Easter comes and goes may we remember what was done for us voluntarily so that we may have a day where there is no more suffering, no more agony and no more pain. 

It may be Friday and it may look like death prevailed but hold on...

And...onward we go.

When are we blessed?

Blessed.

How many times have we said that word.

Now, if you live in the south, that is a word that is used…often. 

"Bless it." "Bless their hearts." "Bless you."

What does a blessing look like?

Well, it's different for each of us as individuals and even when each of us is put together as a whole to make up a church, a group, a community or even a nation. It depends on who is speaking, their background and what their point of view is. 

But when we use the term "blessed", are we using it too loosely?

Or are we setting around waiting for blessings to bestow us that we become immune to the blessings that are right before us. 

I will admit  I cringe a little when I hear someone on the t.v, after a devastating storm or tornado, say how blessed they are as they stand in front of their house that is still standing. The camera will then zoom to their neighbor's house who is demolished. Nothing left. So…what is the person being interviewed saying. They were chosen but their neighbor was not? God loved them more so he spared their house and basically said, "to heck with the others."

The more intimate my relationship with God becomes, the more my prayers are prayed with scripture, the more I realize that no, it doesn't work that way. Yes, God can do anything He wants. He can have complete control anytime He wants but I don't believe He always exercises it. I don't know why and, believe me, I've questioned it many times in my life but never like I have since July 4, 2012. God could have saved Noah. But He didn't. Does that mean I'm not blessed because my son didn't make it? Does it mean Noah's life didn't matter because it wasn't spared? 

The answer is a resounding "no" to both of those. Sounds like a pretty easy and simple answer but to be perfectly honest that answer is still a work in progress for me. I find myself angry, bitter, resentful and feeling anything but blessed at times. I can't help but wonder if we overusing the word or not using it to its full extent. 

The events that led to Noah's death could have been prevented on the side of the boat and on the side of the marina. Did either of those ever feel "blessed" because, prior to July 4th, they had gotten through with a shortcut and maybe didn't have to either spend more money or more time to be proactive and take precautions? 

Blessed is a strong word especially when Christians use it. Each of our blessed statuses may look different because of what our heart is searching for. 

But there is one blessing that we, as Christians on earth, can't ever truly comprehend. It is one we don't have to compare to anyone else's because it is equal for all of us. It's immeasurable and sometimes the depth of it can be inconceivable. The blessing of grace. The blessing of mercy. 

As we reflect during this season of Lent may we be open to prepare our hearts to receive the blessing that is not done on our own but only one the resurrection can give us and then may we feel truly blessed.

We adjust and we learn, we embrace or we endure

Grief, at times, does allow us to enjoy the memory of a moment gone by or the feeling of a dream of the deceased one. Somewhere in that, however, we realize that feeling won't last forever.

When I have described my grief I always say 

"It's like being the sickest one has ever been and going to the medicine cabinet or to the doctor and knowing nothing can make the pain go away."

As one begins to heal and learn to cope with (or become numb to) the pain, it is also realized that this moment of pain won't last forever. 

In grief, in joy, in hurt, even in times of indifference moments don't last forever. 

It is up to us to adjust and learn to embrace or endure the moments we are given. 

The Memory of Moments Gone By are the Memories that Keep Us Forging Ahead

Another 4th is upon us and February is here. It feels like it came out of nowhere. I mean it shouldn't really. As soon as the Christmas decorations were down in retail stores Valentine's Day decorations went up. Of course, in my house, Valentine's Day became a thing of the past when 2002 rolled around for that is the day Noah Dean made his presence into this life. Memories are abundant all year round but especially so during this time. 

Memories of birthdays celebrated. 

Memories of smiles, laughters and lots of presents.

And how could I ever not embrace the moment of the first time I met him. 

Yes, at 1:06…IN THE MORNING!

I was there to welcome him into this world

And I was there when we told him goodbye. 

There wasn't enough time in between. 

At times I'm so angry at the negligence and haphazard approach that took Noah's life. 

Other times I'm so focused and my path is clear.

Then I find myself in anguish because, while it is fulfilling to be able to make changes and save lives, it hurts to know I couldn't save my own son when he needed me. 

But, at times like now, when I should be shopping and party planning, all I know is that

I miss Noah and I want him home. Where I am. Now. 
Not where I will be later on for eternity.  

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if I am on a spiral am I going up or down. - C.S. Lewis



Noah Dean Winstead 

2-14-2002 - 7-4-2012

Noah, 

A million things I wish I could say to you. Your legacy remains. Your testimony lives on. You've done more through your life and death than some people do in a lifetime. The world missed out on you leaving us so soon. I will do all I can to take care of your sister (she's all teenager now though so keep that in mind.) I saw the love and protection you had over her and you continue to do that even in death. I love all my preschoolers at church. I try to pour into them so much. I remember you and your sister during those times. Those are the years, with you, that were not stolen from me. 

There is so much emptiness with you gone but I will work towards fulfilling that…all in your memory and all in your honor. When I didn't think I could love and miss you more I wake up to a new day and I do. When you see me smile and laugh your memory isn't far for I do believe that is when you are closest. 

Happy Birthday son. I wish I was celebrating with you but there are things to do and miles to go before I sleep and, for now, we have our love, we have our memories and…I will meet you in my dreams.  

Love, 

Mom