We adjust and we learn, we embrace or we endure

Grief, at times, does allow us to enjoy the memory of a moment gone by or the feeling of a dream of the deceased one. Somewhere in that, however, we realize that feeling won't last forever.

When I have described my grief I always say 

"It's like being the sickest one has ever been and going to the medicine cabinet or to the doctor and knowing nothing can make the pain go away."

As one begins to heal and learn to cope with (or become numb to) the pain, it is also realized that this moment of pain won't last forever. 

In grief, in joy, in hurt, even in times of indifference moments don't last forever. 

It is up to us to adjust and learn to embrace or endure the moments we are given. 

The Memory of Moments Gone By are the Memories that Keep Us Forging Ahead

Another 4th is upon us and February is here. It feels like it came out of nowhere. I mean it shouldn't really. As soon as the Christmas decorations were down in retail stores Valentine's Day decorations went up. Of course, in my house, Valentine's Day became a thing of the past when 2002 rolled around for that is the day Noah Dean made his presence into this life. Memories are abundant all year round but especially so during this time. 

Memories of birthdays celebrated. 

Memories of smiles, laughters and lots of presents.

And how could I ever not embrace the moment of the first time I met him. 

Yes, at 1:06…IN THE MORNING!

I was there to welcome him into this world

And I was there when we told him goodbye. 

There wasn't enough time in between. 

At times I'm so angry at the negligence and haphazard approach that took Noah's life. 

Other times I'm so focused and my path is clear.

Then I find myself in anguish because, while it is fulfilling to be able to make changes and save lives, it hurts to know I couldn't save my own son when he needed me. 

But, at times like now, when I should be shopping and party planning, all I know is that

I miss Noah and I want him home. Where I am. Now. 
Not where I will be later on for eternity.  

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if I am on a spiral am I going up or down. - C.S. Lewis



Noah Dean Winstead 

2-14-2002 - 7-4-2012

Noah, 

A million things I wish I could say to you. Your legacy remains. Your testimony lives on. You've done more through your life and death than some people do in a lifetime. The world missed out on you leaving us so soon. I will do all I can to take care of your sister (she's all teenager now though so keep that in mind.) I saw the love and protection you had over her and you continue to do that even in death. I love all my preschoolers at church. I try to pour into them so much. I remember you and your sister during those times. Those are the years, with you, that were not stolen from me. 

There is so much emptiness with you gone but I will work towards fulfilling that…all in your memory and all in your honor. When I didn't think I could love and miss you more I wake up to a new day and I do. When you see me smile and laugh your memory isn't far for I do believe that is when you are closest. 

Happy Birthday son. I wish I was celebrating with you but there are things to do and miles to go before I sleep and, for now, we have our love, we have our memories and…I will meet you in my dreams.  

Love, 

Mom

Count it all joy

Happy 2014 to you and yours. Hopefully your resolutions are starting to get off the ground and you don't lose sight of the goals you want them to produce for your new year. 

For a few months now I have been asking myself what goals do I have for myself personally. My greatest roles in life are being a mother, family member, friend and employee. So what should I be aiming towards to grow in myself so that I may fulfill those other responsibilities that I am thankful for and treasure immensely. Many times I found myself going back to this scripture: 

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

This is a verse I hear. ALOT. And, until recently, I questioned it thinking, "God I am suffering. I am hurting. I am bitter and I feel I am barely making it at times. Where are you? Where were you on July 4? How can I count this all as joy?" After months of wrestling with these thoughts I slowly realized I was not looking at the bigger, fuller picture. I was only looking at the current feelings I was facing. And, to be honest, I don't blame myself for that. The loss of anyone is devastating. I don't think it matters if it was expected or if it was as sudden as Noah's death was. And the loss of a child is something we, as parents, never anticipate when we welcomed that child into the world. It seems backwards. It is backwards.

So…to "count it all joy" almost seemed laughable. 

Until I envision the perfect, end result.  

This life is just a trial and I pray daily that when I look back from eternity this suffering will have only seemed like the blink of an eye. 

I don't know what everyone's situation is. I don't know what you face daily. I know this will be a daily battle for me and won't be easy. To write all this up on a page seems so tidy and neat.  I have so much bitterness I have to let go of and so much forgiveness to give to someone who shows no remorse before I can achieve that perfect end result. It will be a work in progress for me personally and one I will deal with daily.  

Life is full of trials but we can not give up and I can not give up on working towards the end result. In the words of my beloved pastor we have to 'keep on keeping on.' And that is perseverance. That is steadfastness. That is faith. Faith in ourselves, faith in others and faith in a future where we will have a perfect end result. 

Dec 31, 2013...Just one more day….

Just one more day…

I have just one…more…day.

One more day that I can say, "Last year I watched Noah play baseball."

Not in a dream.

One more day I can say, "Last year I sat down with Haleigh Raye and Noah."

And it isn't my imagination.

I watched them fight, I watched them love, I watched them play.

In real life.

Now I watch her live but I also watch her grieve.

One more day I can say, "Last year I watched him sleep, I felt him breathe on me, I smelled his skin."

And I'm not having to conjure up a memory.

Just one more day I can say the words "last year" and relate it to things I did with him.

What I wouldn't give for just one more day.

Just last year he was here. He was alive. He was real.

Now, as I see it,

It's still just one more day

One more day closer to heaven.

Just one more day closer to Noah.

Some of my favorite pictures. 

Taken just…last…year.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  Revelation 21:4

Special moments, special friends…special memories

The days that followed our July 4th, 2012 were nothing but a blur for me. Noah's room was carefully packed up and stored away for me to go through when I was ready. That time still hasn't fully come for me but I think it will.  Someone had the forethought to put some of his most used and important items in a box and stored it in my attic for more immediate access. His glasses, his toothbrush, legos and bracelets were a few of the things put in this box and one of his most treasured recently acquired items. A fire starter kit. 

Noah was all boy. He loved rough housing, could live outdoors if I let him and would have probably never took a shower unless I made him and…he embraced the idea of learning to navigate the great outdoors even if it was just his own backyard. 

So when Pastor Tim, our children's pastor, told the boys at church their reward for working their way through their AWANA book was a boys' campout AND a fire starter kit Noah was bound and determined to learn that last verse (even if he was still trying to memorize and recite verses on the way to the campout.) 

Well he earned it and everyday I would look out and he was trying to start a fire. I quickly learned what a big deal this was to a 10 year old boy. Every time I did a load of clothes he had me saving lint from the dryer. According to Noah the lint made the fire easier to start. I wondered where he got that idea but discovered he was actually right. (Many times I wanted to ask him where the lint would come from if he found himself trying to survive in the middle of the wilderness but I decided not to spoil his fun.) He loved it so much we even built him a fire pit so he could start fires a little more safely and I wouldn't fear my house would be object of his new found skill. 

So last fall when I came across the fire starter kit it had been suggested to me to give it back to Pastor Tim because of how very special it was to Noah and it was because of him that Noah got to feel like he was a true survivor man. Fire starter kit and all. 

Well time passed and the fire starter kit set. I walked past it many times and thought next week I would give it to Pastor Tim. But I couldn't figure out how I wanted to give to him. What I wanted to put it in. Did I want to write a long letter thanking him for being the only children's pastor my kids knew. The one who led their father and me in baby dedications, the one who baptized them. 

I just wanted it to be the right time and in the right way with the right words. Besides family and my best friend Tim is the only person who can say they came to the hospital the day Noah entered this world and...came to the hospital the day Noah left this world. 

So we thought and thought…and decided simplicity was the best. 

We engraved the box with Noah's initials and wrapped it in one of his drawings, framed my favorite two picture of the two of them and adorned it with an ornament with one of Tim's and Noah's 

favorite verses. 

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Noah wrote that verse in full just a few weeks before he died. 

Thank you, Pastor Tim, for leading him to believing in this verse. And behind him so many serve to help make our preschool and children's ministry what it is. I am beyond humbled at the numerous volunteers that are constantly and consistently giving of their time. I know it gets tiring. I know it seems thankless. I know it can seem tedious. 

But trust me. It's not in vain. 

It helps this mom sleep at night. 

So. What did Pastor Tim think of this gift you ask?

It was no doubt special to him and we exchanged stories of Noah. Like the time Noah threw a piece of ice and hit Tim square in the forehead (picture the most dramatic David and Goliath moment.) As Tim rose up with blood on his face Noah turned around and looked at me like, "I've killed Pastor Tim!" Or the time Noah was much younger and ran up and hugged him and told him he loved him. And who could forget about the day of his baptism and him asking Pastor Tim if, instead of walking down into the water, he could "do a cannonball" into the water. Pastor Tim also clarified with me it was him who told him about the lint. No wonder Noah was so adamant about using lint. It came with the highest of recommendations - Pastor Tim's. 

Special moments, special friends and, oh, so special memories. 

Death can not take that away from us. 

Joy in the Moment

The holidays are upon us. Thanksgiving today, Christmas and then we start a brand new year.

How will you spend these next few weeks? 

Some may create new memories. 

Some may relive memories of holidays past. 

Many…will do both. 

Many already do their very best to try and get through a day but the holidays seem to put extra emphasis on the losses we have suffered and the pain we endure.

Sometimes it is all we can do to just breathe much less find a joy that is more than fleeting. 

By now many of us have learned that the things in this life are but a moment. 

A visit with a neighbor, a hug from a grandchild, an encouraging word from a friend. Even our favorite meal is fleeting. But there is joy to be found in each of these. 

This week we had family and friends over to help us with our Christmas tree but the night before the house got busy with people and activity it was just Haleigh Raye and me. On a whim I decided to get down every single Christmas box I had stored. I could have been the main focus on Christmas Hoarders. By the time I got everything down and out it looked liked my dining room had turned into a makeshift Christmas trinket shop. I sifted through it all feeling like I was transported in time and, needless to say, many feelings came over me. Then I came across our ornaments. Ones we had been given, ones the kids had made over the years and special ones we had picked up over time. And then I came across a candle. Given as a present, it was one of those things I knew would look just right…someday. So I never bothered to get it out of it's original box. Each year as we went through all the Christmas storage the kids would get it out and ask me to burn and display it. But I never did. I was waiting for the right time. The right occasion. Each year it got packed back up and stored. And so…the joy of the moments of watching that candle burn, even as short as it might have been, never came. I never allowed them to. Too busy, too trifling or too frugal with something as small as a candle but for whatever reason it was never used. 

I missed the joy of that moment I could have shared with my kids. I missed giving them joy. I missed watching their joy. Even if it was something as simple as burning a candle. 

This season I challenge each of us, (including myself), to find the simple joys. There are struggles, there is pain. There is heartache and there is physical ailments. 

But there are also little hands that want to help. A face who wants the book read one more time. A senior adult who wants to share. A person that really wants to tell us how they are doing when we ask. 

Or the candle that needs to be burned…

even if just for a moment.

(And this candle that reminded me of so much will probably burn all season long.) 

"Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints."  Philemon 1:7 

And as we say at my house...
Merry Thanksgiving and Happy Christmas to you and yours!!!

I miss Noah. And I want him home.

I miss Noah. 

And I want him home. 

And I don't think it is getting any easier. 

I don't want him running on streets of gold. 

I want him on the streets in front of my house. 

I don't want him to be in his eternal home. 

I want him in my home. 

I don't need him to be my guardian angel in heaven. 

I want to be his guardian parent on earth. 

You know, like how it's supposed to be. 

Job loss, divorce, arguments…those can be overcome and maybe even, in some cases, rectified. 

The loss of Noah will never, ever seem anything but unfair. 

Who deals these cards anyway? Was someone watching when I would play, "I can only imagine" as his lullaby night after night knowing years later that very song would play at his funeral? And how many people can say, when casually listening to the radio, "oh hey, that was played at my son's funeral" and be confronted with bits and pieces from that day. Yay for us for picking popular and comforting songs. But could I go one day and not hear one? When I bought the swimming trunks he wanted was it known somewhere that he would die in those?

All the boy wanted to do was jump off into the lake and swim and play. So did three other kids that day. How many millions of people have done that prior? How many millions have done that afterwards?

And to be electrocuted? Seriously? That's how it had to be? A finality of death associated with murderers. Not four children. 

When will accountability take place? Acknowledgement? 

But, in the end, even if all these questions are answered and closure commences, this fact will forever remain.

I miss Noah

And I want him home. 

Oh and grief? I'm over it..and I want it gone. "Hey, fate. How about a trade."